**No, I'm not pregnant. Not even close.**
I rediscovered a favorite song of mine today:
"The State That I'm In" by Belle and Sebastian
More particularly, I'm in love with a line in the song.
"And so I gave myself to GodWhat makes this most interesting to me, is the lead sings "before he said okay" and the backup singer sings "before I said okay." They all take a pregnant pause.
There was a pregnant pause before He said okay"
Here are my thoughts on that.
I frequently find myself questioning the idiosyncrasies (dogmas) of the Church. The culture is overwhelmingly oppressive at times, and also a little antiquated...at least in certain strongholds. This leads me to question whether I fit in.
Further complicating this, I am what you would call a "Believing Agnostic*." Meaning, I can't prove God is there, and I can't prove They aren't. I hope God is real. I hope They are there. Otherwise, this whole thing is for naught. And that's where the believing comes in. I won't go so far as to say faith**, since many in the LDS community equate "faith" with "know."
I believe because I want there to be a reason for all this.
Back to the lyrics.
Over the last several years, I have started on the path away. Slowly, I have felt myself turn from it and look out with hope that somewhere away from all this, there is something better. Somewhere where my doubts and questions are not so pronounced.
However, I always find myself looking back over my shoulder at God and Their church and think "There is beauty there. There is truth there. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to stop being a part of this. I just want the hurt to stop." Then I say "Fine, I'll stay a bit longer. I will try to help make it better.....okay?" Then I feel myself take that deep breath, and say "okay" one more time. Truly committing with that second okay.
God doesn't say "okay" back without hesitation, They could, They want us with Them. But They take a breath, and wait for us to make sure we're ready, and then they say with us "okay."
God is all about choice. Our Heavenly Parents will never force us back. They will never coerce us into making that step to them. They will wait with us, as we take our deep breath, examine our true feelings, and step back to them.
They are always there with open arms, waiting.
And that's why I keep choosing to believe. Because They have never made me. They have always just let me choose for myself.
And that's what I need.
* I've had a friend (rather successfully) argue, that we are all believing agnostics because none of us can prove God's existence, and we all take it on faith. She may be right, but I like this label. It helps me know how I fit in.
** "faith is a thing hoped for, but not seen."