Let's Save Our Hallmark Moment

The One Where I Don't Hate God

2012-01-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

A while ago, I made a comment to several people:

If x happens again, I'm going to be pissed at God.

Well, it appears that x may, in fact, happen. And I am not mad at God. At all. Of course, we all knew that He was the one place I would turn when x did happen, if x happened.

At the end of the day, He's the only one who will get it, and the only one who will understand. And as much as I want to be mad at Him, I'm not. I'm mad at myself and others, but not Him. Ha. Lucky Him.

Update: But God, don't think I don't notice all the similarities.You are on notice. Haha. Good thing this doesn't seem to be able to happen again. So, that "being on notice" thing means absolutely nothing, right?

(I know I'm being vague, it's on purpose.)

You might be a grad student if....

2011-12-15T14:14:00.004-07:00

...you can identify universities by their internet domains.

Who can't?

...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.

I'm not a huge novel person, unless there is something interesting in them. So....yes....

...you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes.

this is why I enjoy Jen Lancaster, she does footnotes.

...you understand jokes about Foucoult.

I'd rather not comment.

...the concept of free time scares you.

What is this "free time" of which you speak?

...you consider caffeine to be a major food group

HECK YES!!

....you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.

Done, and done.

...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.

Never did seem weird.

...the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.

Have done this, many times.

...you've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.

Does InterLibrary loan count?

...you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours out ofthe day you have to work.

Yes, some days working all night was the only time I had to work. Then 4 hours of sleep was a luxury.

...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it).

I got over this one really fast.

...you can read course books and cook at the same time.

Often to the detriment of my food, but not too often.

...you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.

Doesn't everyone? I mean, this is just common courtesy, right?

...you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.

I'm in Utah, it did snow during Spring Bre....wait, I didn't get one.

...you've ever worn out a library card.

Yes, I have. I maxed out my limit of books regularly. They shouldn't limit grad students to 50 books. Really? It's like they don't understand. (Someone overrode this for me, once.)

...you find taking notes in a park relaxing.

You have to get fresh air at some point!

...you find yourself citing sources in conversation.

Um.....no comment....

...you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.

You guys read my blog. I'm sure you're not surprised that I've done this.*

...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.

Yes. Yes, I can.

...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.

During my thesis writing? Yes. It was.

...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of yourown joke across the Internet.

I track words in the COCA. It's more my field's style.

...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.

These people are not normal!

...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.

Replace bar with just about any other place, and yes. I have.

...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.

Not just coffee shops.

...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.

Everyone speaks, so this is not hard to do.

...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.

Yeah, I am ashamed. :-(

...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a singlepaper.

Well, no. Because I just put them all on my laptop. Scanning saved me HUNDREDS of dollars in copying costs.

...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."

It's called the internet. But I did have areas of the library that I thought were "mine."

...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.

Film. Actually, see above.

...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.

Yes. And you know what times of day to avoid it.

...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without thedistraction of classes.

You can get so much more done when there are professors around!

...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.

It isn't?

...you consider all papers to be works in progress.

They are. There is always more fine tuning.

...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.

Nope, in fact, Dr. Manning actually told me something was less important (for another class, that wasn't his class) and to not worry about that, and to focus on the item he needed. (for publication, mind you.)

...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.

Yes! Where did THEY find their information? And can I steal it?

...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.

Let's not talk about what my room looked like when I had all my thesis books.

...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

If I have this elusive "free time," I feel like I'm not doing enough. That I'm being lazy and that I need to find something to do.

...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize thatit's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.

Haha. Not so much for me, though I still think of some in terms of math.

...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".

Yeah, it's just easier to speak in terms they understand.

...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."

It's her story, the rest just helped. So be concise, makes more sense.

...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.

Months.

...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.

Sometimes you did enough to get by. And if you couldn't, the clothes were worn anyway.

...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.

Again, I scanned to my laptop.

...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication".

It should. Some of my best ideas came from talking to myself.

There you have it. Now, you know what I'm signing myself up for....

*time to footnote the source of the list: Penn State Math Department

My Take on Modesty

2011-12-07T10:22:00.001-07:00

This blog post made me happy*, sad, angry, defiant, and a whole host of other emotions. I especially empathized with her plight. But I'm a woman, so why wouldn't I?

Here's the thing. I'm okay with teaching modesty. I think it's important. I'm not okay with modesty lessons that teach women to feel like this writer did. That? Is unacceptable. As the blog author notes in a follow-up; defining modest isn't easy...because it's always in terms of someone else. I'll let you read what she says. But this quote is awesome:

"Just teaching girls to cover-up is a cop-out. Covering or uncovering isn’t the issue. The issue is why we do what we do. What’s important is to fight the idea that women are objects to be looked at, and that message is reinforced, not combated, when we teach the modesty doctrine."

As for me:

Growing up, I got the LDS perspective on modesty. I heard the "men are carnal, and if they see your ankle, they'll react like it's 1805**" lectures. I heard all of them, and my already twisted brain latched on to them to some degree. I don't blame any of my body image issues on the modesty talks. It wasn't their fault; I was already a bit messed up on that account.

However, thanks to my parents, those lessons never stuck. Ever.

We were only bought modest clothes. (Except for our shorts, but YOU try finding modest shorts when you have freakishly long legs like my sister and I have! Haha.) Why were we only bought modest clothes? Because of the Temple. From a young age, my parents made the Temple a central goal for us. Why buy clothes, then, that we would just have to modify or throw away when we went to the Temple? It didn't make sense.

What this resulted in, when I did go through the Temple 3.5 years ago, was that I did not own any clothes that I couldn't still wear post-Temple covenants. All of my clothes were still appropriate. I was proud of myself, for that fact. I'd been warned by friends that my wardrobe would drastically shrink. It did not.

The other thing my parents did well -- without realizing it? -- was that modesty was also encouraged as self-respect. It was never about "men are carnal animals that you're responsible for" it was always about me. My self-worth and my self-respect were at the forefront of the teaching.

Even my brothers were encouraged to be modest. My mom never understood how it was okay for men to wear sleeveless shirts, but not women. My brothers weren't allowed to wear tank tops. They weren't allowed to wear shirts that had no sleeves. And they wore undershirts under their white shirts (because, those are, in fact, see-through, fellas! Hate to break it to you.) so that they were equally modest.

In my house modesty was for everyone, not just girls. And it was never about the other-sex's response to what we wore. I never felt that if I tried to wear a tank top my parents would chastise me with "you look like a slut in that, go cover up."

(To be quite honest, my sister and I walked around our house in jeans and our bras as we got ready in the morning. Why? Because, you try getting ready in a HOT bathroom fully dressed. And as long as we're in full-disclosure here: when we would change in front of everyone, we did get in trouble. "You're brothers/dad are here!" Yeah, and if they're staring at me..that's gross...and not my problem. They just didn't look. They didn't want to see it. It's called respect...at least in my family it is. Oh, the immodesty stories I can tell***....haha...someday...someday....)

I'm glad I had such an open/honest family. It saved me from the worst of these lectures (and so much more!). And to be fair, this isn't LDS specific (clearly!). I've heard these discussions in other religious and non-religious circles. It's an epidemic that needs to be stopped.

The way I dress does not make me the person to blame for your inability to behave/keep your thoughts in check. The way I dress is up to me, and the image I want to portray to the world. In other words, if I want people to think I'm a hipster, I'll dress like one. If I want to be taken seriously at work, I'll dress professionally and not casually. Etc. That's it.

I love clothes. I love playing with them and changing the way I look by changing my shirt. It's fun. Dressing in the morning, should be fun. You should look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn! I look good." Without even a smidgen of regret for looking good. Because you have a right to love yourself. And that includes loving the way your clothes look on you.

*******The original blog post is great, and I'm not trying to minimize her experience or anyone who had similar experiences, just trying to offer my perspective and my experience.*******

*Happy because my parents were awesome and counter-acted problems. So I was happy that I had a good family, and then sad that others were so negatively effected by these types of lessons.
**The Shins - Turn a Square. Look it up. Love it.
***They're really great, and mostly involve me...so they're not going to be full-disclosure on other family members.

Much Love...

2011-12-07T08:48:00.001-07:00

Miss Megan - the snow was taller than her.

Do you know why I love this girl? Besides the fact that she's absolutely beautiful?

Because, when I told her I was going to "squeeze the stuffing out of her" (a.k.a hug her) she responded "but I don't have stuffing."

Yep, she's one smart kid.

How to Know that I Care...

2011-12-06T14:34:00.001-07:00

Because I never choose anything over sleep.

**I'm sorry if the swearing bothers you.**

Hugo: Amazing

2011-11-27T02:02:00.001-07:00

Tonight, I saw Hugo. Amazing. This movie is worth the 3D experience. It's beautifully done in that respect.

The story is rather cute, and though some things are predictable, overall, the movie doesn't disappoint in the story telling. It reminds us of where movies came from. It reminds us to not forget the past and to love every minute of our lives.

It is beautiful.

Scarily...true....

2011-11-25T19:16:00.001-07:00

I blame my Grandmas for this.

Today's Rant Brought to You by the Number 31

2011-11-22T09:02:00.001-07:00

It's a 2 part rant.

Part 1:
I dislike my ward. There are a few people in the ward I like. Let me be clear. There are about 5 people I feel I have any sort of real connection with. That's it. Going to Church should be relaxing and uplifting. I find it stressful. I shouldn't feel so out of place in a ward where people are my age. But I do. A lot.

We're supposed to be each others family. But my ward members live with their families (for the most part), so why do they need a ward family? They don't. The people I get along with don't live with their families and need a ward family to help sustain them. So what it comes down to is this, my ward is very cliquish, split down the middle with people that grew up together on one side, and those of us transplants on the other. Very few people cross this line. I've tried. It doesn't work.

Which means, that if I am still in this ward when I turn 31, I will not be upset to leave. At all.

Which brings me to Part 2:
There are three types of wards in Utah. (I have to specific here because the second type I mention only exists in Utah.)

Young Single Adult: This is for anyone age 18-31, and single (unmarried).
Mid-Singles: This is for anyone age 31+, and single (unmarried).
Family: anyone can attend these wards, but if you fall into one of the other demographics, you're encouraged to go to those wards.

This age distinction seems rather arbitrary to me, and for those who know me: I HATE ARBITRARY RULES!! </yelling>

I get why they don't want someone who is 40 in a ward with 18 year olds. I understand. I do. But the way we currently define the wards seems silly. I'm 29 and in a YSA ward. I have no connection to the kids who are 18-22. None. At all. I have more in common with my roommates (who attend the Mid-Singles) than I do with ANYONE in my ward. But I can't go to their ward, and they can't come to mine. Silly.

What really bugs me, is that this distinction cuts people off. Say I liked my ward, and I got kicked out at 31. Then what? I'm now cut off from the people who had been supporting me through my life. And I have to start over at one of the most difficult times in my life? Not cool. It explains why a lot of people my age go in-active. We know we don't fit into the ward life. We know that no one really knows what to do with us. We're aberrant. Anomalies. And we feel it.

So, what I propose is simply new distinctions. Something along the following lines:

Young Single Adult: 18-25. This will cover most people IN college. And give you a bit of time after you're done with your schooling.
Single Adult: 26-35 (about there...I mean, it is, after all, arbitrary, right?)
Family: Anyone. At all. :)

Seems a better division to me. I don't feel like a Young Adult. I am an adult. I've been through college, I have an advanced degree. And I'm in a ward where most people are still working on their first degree. Or are still figuring out what they want to do, so not in school...not really working either...Mom and Dad take care of that, right?

Can we agree that something needs to change, at the very least?!

So...funny story...

2011-11-21T08:56:00.001-07:00

I blame Cindy and Confuzzled for my lack of posting this weekend. And they can't really say it wasn't their fault. Haha.

I think there is a misconception that people of faith (any faith) are blindly obedient to their leaders. While this does, in fact, happen, I don't believe that all faithfuls are 100% behind their beliefs 100% of the time. I know I'm not. But! I think this is normal and healthy. You grow from struggle. You learn from doubt. And so, I give you a little Oscar Wilde for your morning:

"To believe is very dull. To doubt is intensely engrossing. To be on the alert is to live, to be lulled into security is to die."

Foster a bit of doubt. It might just renew your faith.

Book Club: Lolita

2011-11-17T23:58:00.001-07:00

It always amazes me, how much we can talk about at book club. We never are quite able to stay focused on the book, and someone is always bringing us back to it. "To come full circle...."

We're currently reading Lolita, though. This book doesn't allow you to not talk about it. THERE IS SO MUCH TO SAY.

The writing is fabulous. Nabokov wrote it in English. Wait, that's a Russian name. But yes, this man is trilingual. So when he writes a book for the English market, he writes it in English. He doesn't write in his native tongue, and wait for someone to translate. Also? Hello, I need a dictionary. It's great. I can understand what he's saying without looking up some of the words, but holy crud! His vocabulary is EXTENSIVE.

You're meant to hate the narrator. And you will.

However, like anyone else who has read this book, it's a definite must read. You can't really explain it's brilliance until you've experienced it.

I'm sure not everyone loves this book, but there is something about it, that is truly unique and amazing.

Ducks: Explained

2011-11-15T22:44:00.001-07:00

This linguistic moment is brought to you courtesy of Wikipedia's page on ducks.

The word duck comes from Old English *dūce "diver", a derivative of the verb *dūcan "to duck, bend down low as if to get under something, or dive", because of the way many species in the dabbling duck group feed by upending; compare with Dutch duiken and German tauchen "to dive".

This word replaced Old English ened/ænid "duck", possibly to avoid confusion with other Old English words, like ende "end" with similar forms. Other Germanic languages still have similar words for "duck", for example, Dutch eend "duck" and German Ente "duck". The word ened/ænid was inherited from Proto-Indo-European; compare: Latin anas "duck", Lithuanian ántis "duck", Ancient Greek nēssa/nētta (νῆσσα, νῆττα) "duck", and Sanskrit ātí "water bird", among others.

Some people use "duck" specifically for adult females and "drake" for adult males, for the species described here; others use "hen" and "drake", respectively.

A duckling is a young duck in downy plumage^[1] or baby duck;^[2] but in the food trade young adult ducks ready for roasting are sometimes labelled "duckling"

And because no duck post is complete without a picture:

Baby Mallards

Still Battling Sleeping Issues....

2011-11-15T02:06:00.001-07:00

But over all, today was a much better day. :)

So here's a gratuitous picture of me and my "boyfriend":

He just had a birthday, recently! Yay, for birthdays. He's a cutie.

No Snappy Title Today, Sorry

2011-11-13T19:06:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I missed blogging. Why? Well, two reasons...

I had blood work done
I started Prednisone.

Blood work and I are not friends, I pass out if care is not taken. Then I'm "out of it" for several hours afterwards. I managed to take a nap, which was happy since I started the Prednisone after my blood work.

Why is a nap a happy thing? Well, Prednisone is known to cause sleep issues. I slept 5 unrestful hours last night. Tried to take a nap today, and managed about 30 minutes in the 2 hours I was laying down.

Also? My legs ache. I hate it. I can't get comfortable, even if I want to. I've tried everything.

Moral of the story? If your doctor tells you that he's treating you with Prednisone...tell him "no, thank you" even if you know it's the only thing that will work.

What Does It Say About Me?

2011-11-11T20:33:00.001-07:00

What does it mean when all my plants have to be lined up in a row. I can't have a row with multiple plant types. It just doesn't happen.

I (will) Have a PhD....in Horribleness!

2011-11-10T23:28:00.001-07:00

Well, not exactly...but I will tell people that I do. :) Because? It's funny.

I got my GRE scores back today.

Verbal: 159 (equivalent to a 590)
Quantitative: 155 (equivalent to a 700-710)

(I know, doesn't make sense to me either.)

I'm in.

Anywhere I want to go. I'm in. I did it. And there is no one awake to scream in joy with me!

WAKE UP, PEOPLE! I HAVE EXCITING NEWS!

I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be Friends...

2011-11-09T15:35:00.001-07:00

Beautiful.

Beautiful kids, beautiful signing, beautiful message.

Speaking of beautiful:

I miss signing.

Sometimes...The Answer is "No"

2011-11-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

Usually, anniversaries* are happy events. Someone is born, married, engaged, etc. Some anniversaries, however, are not happy events.

Yesterday, my parents celebrated their 31st wedding anniversary. The were sealed 31 years ago. Yay! Happy.

Today? Today marks the one year mark of a miracle that did not happen. I'd tried to shut down from feeling, so that this day could pass and I could pretend that everything was fine.

But, this is not healthy behavior.

So I sat down and let myself feel the emotions that had been carefully locked away. I let the tears fall, I let myself know that it is human to miss people. Even with all the religious reasons to feel at peace and happy. It's okay to miss people. It's okay to feel upset. It's okay to not understand.

You move forward anyway. Slowly you pick up the pieces and figure it out.

Today, I miss my cousin. Today, I feel empathy for the pain his parents are suffering. For all who loved him, today, I wish you some ounce of peace.

*I originally typed "anniversaires" the French plural. /sigh

Monday 11/7

2011-11-08T12:22:00.002-07:00

Sorry, no blog post yesterday. I fell asleep really early. Which is to say prior to 10. I had planned a post, and forgot.

My Monday was "awesome"? How about you?

Sunday, I learned what my "low tire pressure" light looks like. I just assumed the cold weather had brought this one, and planned on adding a bit o'air to the tires on the way to work.

I never made it to work. I did, however, discover how easy it is to call my roadside assistance line and set up a stranded girl appointment. I had someone come put my spare on for me, and then drove the "screwed tire" to Les Scwab to fix.

My car is happy again. :)

A Quick Sunday Thought.

2011-11-06T23:20:00.000-07:00

Blessings of the priesthood are shared by men and women. All may qualify for baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. All may take upon themselves the name of the Lord and partake of the sacrament. All may pray and receive answers to their prayers. Gifts of the Spirit and testimonies of the truth are bestowed regardless of gender. Men and women receive the highest ordinance in the house of the Lord together and equally, or not at all (see D&C 131:1–3).

- Russell M. Nelson "Woman -- Of Infinite Worth" October 1989

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like...

2011-11-06T23:16:00.002-07:00

Winter!

6 inches. Yep.

(Note this was Nov. 5...Remember, remember the fifth of November...)

Grumpy is as Grumpy Does....

2011-11-05T00:10:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, I had a meeting at work. 45 minutes into it, we all find out that we are going to round-robin read our way through a document. <sigh>

The meeting leader started out reading. M chimed in that she thought this was a silly idea and that maybe we should not proceed. The leader seemed to take some offense at this and made a comment along the lines of "too bad, this is what we're doing."

At which point I chimed in and mentioned that I have no attention span and would not be able to pay attention to the reading and if the people who had made the document would like to point out specific concerns and highlights, then that would be more effective use of our time.

A jumped in at this point to say that there isn't really anything specific the creators had to mention and that reading it through would be a great way to familiarize ourselves with it.

I restated that it felt like we were being treated like we were 2. And that if we made mistakes in our editing because we hadn't read the document than that was on us and we should be held responsible for that. But having us all read this (over the phone, mind you) in a round-robin setting was not the best option. That my attention span would not allow for it and I'd much rather read it on my own later.

The meeting leader said "that's unfortunate" and continued with the reading. I hung up. And muttered something about "oops, my phone just hung itself up."

The meeting ended a few minutes later. I asked my coworker K if someone else had complained since the meeting had ended early. He said "yes, but they handled it better than you did." Oh wait, he didn't say it as much as he barked/yelled it at me.

So I asked another coworker, J, if she thought I'd been rude. This had not been my intent. She replied that it did come across that way. M started a conversation with me in which she thanked me for sticking up for her and stating the same concerns. I asked if I'd been rude, and she said "I didn't think you were being rude, but I know you.

So I apologized to those I had interacted with. I just couldn't believe that no one took M's concerns seriously. And treated her like she didn't know what she was talking about. Also, I was the only one willing to voice what everyone else was thinking. (Several in the meeting came to me after the meeting and said they had all been thinking what I had said. I was just the only one to say it.)

Generally speaking, I'm very quiet in meetings. If I do voice dissent, it's done in a very cordial manner and I usually don't care enough about what is being discussed to actually fight for anything. But yesterday? Apparently, something snapped. Probably from the blatent lack of regard the meeting leader showed for one of her coworkers. I really hate that. You don't have to like our opinions, but you do need to be respectful.

But what bugged me the most about this was not that I was called out for being rude. I needed that. And I appreciated M and J for telling me that I was rude, but they understood I wasn't intending to be rude. (The two I apologized to also said I came across rude, but understood my point and were not upset with me.) What bugged me the most was K's reaction and his rude behavior towards me. The very thing he was upset with me about, he was doing to me.

What makes this even stickier is that K and I are friends. We get along quite well most days and even have done things outside of work. Friends get to be grumpy with each other on occasion. I can't really issue a complaint to my boss about it, because K was probably reacting as a friend and not as a coworker. And today, we're fine. He didn't apologize to me (which, he probably should...but I won't push it), but he did reach out to me as a friend.

Maybe he was having a bad day and just used his friend as a person to release frustration. Doesn't mean he was right, but maybe there was something else bugging him. <shrugs> I just ignored him the rest of the day, and would have continued to do so today if he hadn't extended a small olive branch.

More Conversations with a Four Year Old

2011-11-03T09:46:00.001-06:00

Who is apparently turning 16 this year, who knew?!

It's been a week or so since I had this conversation with my nephew. My sister was doing something in the kitchen, Maxwell talked to me...then Wesley came over and there was a kerfuffle over the phone that ended with Maxwell crying. However, I had talked to him for a good 5 minutes before Wesley came on the scene. It's hard being 3 when no one is being nice to you!

M: Maxwell, I already talked to you, it's Wesley's turn. Wesley, do you have the phone or did Max take it?

W: Mommy has a phone. Daddy has a phone. I don't have a phone. I need a phone.

M: You need a phone? But you're just a little guy!

W: YEAH! I'm too little. I need to grow up!

M: I think you have a few years to go before you will need a phone.

W: Yeah, I need to be bigger so I can have a phone.

Ah, kids. They certainly make me smile. A lot.

Reconciling the Past and Present

2011-11-02T10:28:00.003-06:00

As an LDS woman, I belong to a group known as the Relief Society. Like any good society, we have a president, two counselors, and a secretary. For my local group, I am the 1st Counselor. This means that I am in charge of making sure lessons get taught each Sunday.

I'm currently working on a lesson for this coming Sunday. Being that it is November, I'd tentatively planned on doing a lesson on "Thanksgiving." Lame, I know. After talking with my friend, Cinderella*, I decided to modify my lesson and title it "Being Thankful for Me!" I think too many of the women in my Church see their life as a formula, or a checklist. Then if we don't check off the items in the right order, or on some right time table, we feel frustration and like something is wrong.**

I'm in the researching stages. I could live in the research forever, those who know me understand that I just love to do the research and see where it takes me and then when the research is deemed done (it's never really done), I love talking about the research and spreading the knowledge around.

I did a preliminary search of General Conference talks for titles that seemed to fit my need. I pulled up several and made a list. Now, I'm carefully reading each and then marking it off my list. (Taking copious notes, and gleaning ideas along the way.)

I don't make any apologies for my lack of connection with the current General President*** of the Relief Society. I have never been able to make a connection with her or what she teaches us when she talks. I do have a connection to one of the counselors, but that was made independent of her talks. She's an amazing woman. I'm sure the president is as well, but I can't bring myself to like her.

In the past, we've had some great presidencies. I don't always remember their names or their teachings with clarity, but I remember feeling like they loved me and that they wanted me to know that God loved me and that our life plans were so interesting and unique that no one could have a simple checklist to mark off. Checklists don't exist. Not tidy ones at least...

I lamented to a friend, that I miss the leaders of the past. I cited Sister Sheri L. Dew as one that I particularly missed. I remember listening to her speak and I KNEW that I could do anything and be anything and that a checklist for my life would be a silly means to gauge my success and failures. She talked about living the Gospel, about not being ashamed to be different. She embraced being a people that were meant to stand out from the crowd. She was a progressive, forward-thinking individual....like many who taught along side her.

Our current president seems more concerned with a 1950s ideal for womanhood, than actually teaching me anything useful for MY life. She speaks to a specific demographic, and I feel left out and like I don't belong in her worldview.

I can honestly say that I had not felt that way until the last few years. I can honestly say she has greatly influenced me and my feelings of discontent. I can honestly say I will not be sad when she is released. (I do understand, that I am the only one responsible for how I feel, but she doesn't help the situation.)

How do you reconcile the past that seemed to speak of a bright and beautiful future, with a present that leaves you feeling like you're left out of that once bright and beautiful future?

------
*My friend, Cinderella, is the author of Cinderella's Pear. She blogs about food issues and dealing with living gluten-free, allergy-free, and the like. Check her out!

**Please note, this is not a criticism of my faith or my Church. This checklist issue is bigger than any one demographic. I guarantee you ask anybody about what they thought their life would be, they would have a list of things. Whether they accomplish their goals or not, everyone has a checklist.

***In the LDS faith, each level of leadership is mirrored up a ladder. The local level has wards, and each ward has a mirrored copy of the highest level of organization. We call that level the "General" level since it covers the whole Church. Those of us on the ground-level are often referred to as "local leaders" haha. There are several levels between the local level and the general level. Much like the Catholic organization has churches (or parishes); a dioceses (over several parishes); and so on up to the Pope.

Only Bite You Forever!

2011-11-01T12:39:00.002-06:00

Too Funny.

So, apparently, having an emotional breakdown on God has the same effect as having an emotional breakdown on any man. He steps up His game.

Last night was Halloween, as I'm sure you're all aware. I cried over a box of donuts and apple cider. It's like my grandma left a HUGE hole in my life. Not saying that the way we're working the traditions isn't a great thing. Just saying that sometimes, you see the things she used to do and she's not there doing them, and you just lose it. And, you start crying. And then, you start praying. And then, you breakdown emotionally, and God does what any man would do when faced with a sobbing girl: He tries to fix it. (Ever notice the panicked look in a man's eye when you start crying? Hilarious, when you think about it.)

So enter today and ridiculousness ensues.

Friends popped out of the woodwork and started saying "let's get together and do something*!"

Some start by posting on Facebook an innocent comment, with an innocent request to get together and chat. And then chaos ensues, with not-so-random name dropping and planning. (it's all on Facebook, if you want to see it.)

Then you tell your work friend about the "something" and she says "romance in the work place rears its head once again." And you say, "planning the marriage; we like the idea of 6/6/12." Because that? is ridiculous at it's core.

And that, is my life. My week went from dull and lifeless to one big mess of things to do and places to go.

So crying is just as effective on God as it is on the mortal variety of man**.

*Doesn't this movie look beyond ridiculous?! Holy hijinks, Batman!

**Though, I would imagine this is more Heavenly Mother's doing. She probably hit Him and said "you do something now, or I will...and YOU won't like WHAT I DO."

Conversations with a Four Year Old

2011-10-06T21:08:00.000-06:00

I called my sister today, on the way home from work, as I always do. She put me on speaker so that she could change Nolan's diaper. Maxwell took the opportunity to say hi to me, and to tell me he loves me. Then Wesley took over the call:

W: Hi No-No!

M: Hi Wesley! I love you!

W: I love you, too, No-No! What you doing?

M: Driving.

W: Where you going?

M: I just got done with work; I'm driving to my house now.

W: You should come here and we can make pancakes together.

M: I wish I could! But I can't.

W: Why not?

M: I live in Utah; you live in Idaho.

...conversation continues a bit on various topics I don't know what he was talking about...but Wesley said they were going to Wal-Mart to get taco supplies...

W: You should come make tacos with us!

M: Wesley, it would take me 5 hours to get there! You'd be in bed by the time I got there!

W: Oh...hang on a second...we need to figure out how to get you here faster!

HAHAHAHAHA. That kid cracks me up.

Rain {Wordless Wednesday}

2011-10-05T01:00:00.000-06:00

Air Show...

2011-10-04T01:00:00.000-06:00

I don't have many photos from the day, my camera battery died...and I was without charger. But here they are:

I learned I could add captions. Fun!

That's one big plane!

"Look, Boss! De plane!!"

Oh man, I look scary here.

Good thing Squish makes up for it.

"So Daddy, what does that do again?"

Charles and the Squish next to a plane.

"You can't make me leave!"

"Wanna bet?"

Then my camera died.

On a side note: I can figure out how to edit one photo per blog. Then it just starts saving over the other edit. Hence, only one with a fun quote on it. <sigh> I will beat you picnik!

My 25th Birthday - at Nicole's place

2011-10-03T14:08:00.002-06:00

Thanks to my great friend Nicole, I had a birthday party to celebrate my quarter century on earth (plus shipping and handling).

The spread, and cake.

Andee and Becky being themselves...

Being Asian...

Being Indian...or South-east Asian...

Joseph handled the "man-work"

Miss Nicole and Miss Megan

The cake had the requisite 25 candles

All lit up and no where to go.

I only managed to blow out like 8 of the candles;
that fact may have made my night.

Joseph "fixed" the name for me.

Each time I removed a candle,

Andee added a candy corn.

Why dirty plates?

Joseph tried to split a candle in two

and learned that this was rather dangerous...

to say the least.

I really have great friends who make my life enjoyable...It was a great birthday, thanks y'all!!

Listening for the Spirit

2011-07-28T13:40:00.001-06:00

This will be a short testimony of sorts.

People talk about hearing a voice. This is a common theme. They heard someone say "do this" or "you should call" or any combination of what are normal thoughts, but don't quite feel like your own.

Today, that didn't happen for me.

I had a friend mention to me that she had felt something off happen. We got back to work and she headed away from her desk. I didn't see her go. When I turned to comment on my sandwich, she wasn't at her desk. My first thought was "oh, she did decide to go eat on the balcony." But then I remembered her comment from earlier. I looked again. Her sandwich was still on her desk. I put two and two together and got four. I went to the bathroom and found her there.

After helping her out and collecting her work items, she thanked me for coming. She'd been pleading with the Lord to send someone to help her. And I came. I didn't feel particularly inspired to go. Just thought I should see if she was okay when I went to use the restroom myself.

But truth be told, if I hadn't need to use the restroom myself, I would have waited several minutes more before going to find her.

Sometimes the Spirit doesn't sound like an actual voice. He can bring understanding to your mind when you most need it. And that's what He did for me today. He helped me understand enough that I acted when I didn't know why. Wasn't even thinking that my friend was in distress or that something was amiss.

Be open to understanding.

Friends {Wordless Wednesday}

2011-07-20T08:04:00.001-06:00

This Literally Made Me Cry

2011-06-28T07:58:00.000-06:00

From happiness.

Also, read the comments. They're great. Especially the ones that mention wishing Church could be a place where we discuss our struggles and really share with each other.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Ah...the Good Ol'Days

2011-06-24T09:42:00.000-06:00

Looking back at photos of old-school bedrooms, you'll not one thing, and one thing in particular: lack of furniture and stuff.

Notice: Bed. Dresser. Desk. That's it! I guarantee that there is nothing else in the room, except maybe and armoire. Simple. Nothing much.

Why happened to the days when rooms weren't full of stuff. And superfluous things. Old homes even tended to lack extra things in other rooms of the house. The sitting room/parlor/living room/etc had chairs to sit in, a rug, and a couple small tables. Maybe a piano.

When did we become a nation of collectors of unimportant things? Why are our lives so crowded by things that we don't have room to live?

My bedroom is home to a bed, a bedside table, a dresser, a desk (that doesn't even function as a desk right now, it holds my TV), a filing cabinet that is home to my printer, a set of shelves, and a shoe shelf.

I lack floor space to do anything in my room. Granted, I'm renting a single room in a house, but still. I can't wait for the day that I can have my bedroom be my bedroom. My living room, a living room. My home, a home.

*sigh* One day!

Forget Getting Out of Debt

2011-06-23T08:52:00.002-06:00

You know all those feel good stories you hear in conference about how they committed to getting out of debt and BAM! the answer/solution fell right into their laps?

Bullshit. All of it.

Or, I just have an EXTREME case of the luck o'the Irish. When it comes to finances. Among other things.

So yeah. If you make a commitment to get out of debt, don't worry...here's how it'll play out for you. A TRUE story.

First, you'll get a decent job and be all "suh-weet! no debt here I come."

Then, you'll get laid off from said job. Thus INCREASING your debt just so you can survive. You know...food and all? Plus, you may become anemic. Meat is pricey. Can't just go eating that whenever you want. However, you will have an AWESOME friend that will help ensure you are getting enough iron...Once she realizes that you aren't getting enough. Tender mercy? I think so.

After that, you'll actually finish your Master's degree and think "<sigh of relief!> now, I can find lucrative work and start paying this debt down.

You won't.

You'll find work as a receptionist that BARELY pays enough for you to meet minimum payments. Oh, and this? doesn't include money for anything after the minimum payments.

You'll finally get out of that job into a job that pays more than you've ever earned. And you'll think "finally! I can pay off my debt and live DEBT FREE and SAVE MONEY and HAVE FOOD STORAGE. Nope.

You will find that THIS is the exact time that everything that you NEED starts to cost you an arm and a leg.

My check engine light came on today. Pray it's cheap. Or I may just fall off the bandwagon. Because, I literally can't take this anymore.

I pay my tithing. I'm going to church. I even went to church when I was feeling like I didn't belong and cried every Sunday because of that. But I went. I just can't do this anymore. I just want to be obedient. And I can't.

Ducks, Better Late than Never

2011-06-22T03:01:00.001-06:00

I missed my obligatory blog post about ducks. I suck. Sorry.

So here are some African ducks, as seen at the Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle.

Why are the African? Well, they were in the Safari exhibit, so they MUST be African.

Re: Cloud Walking

2011-06-21T09:37:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm not sure what needs to be said here. Because part of the news is good, and part is "get off your butt and keep fighting."

I'll explain.

I sent a proposal on ideas I have for the YW's manual to one of the brethren that oversees the YW program (with the General Presidency). He hasn't responded. I sent a follow-up email and still have heard nothing. I need to get off my butt and keep fighting for this, but I just haven't found motivation to call. Mostly because I'm a coward.

The good news is rather simple. I met with Sister Allred, and she is the feistiest petite woman I know. There was a disconnect in our conversations at first, but by the end I felt like I'd met a kindred spirit.

To summarize (and I'll try to post more details later):

She and the others are aware and concerned about the aging demographic of single women.
She promised me our mothers cry for us at night. (I did try to argue against this one. It just seems silly that my mom would cry over something as trivial as this when she has shed tears over things mothers should never cry about. But Sister Allred was insistent.)
The above statement means this: they (as a presidency) are likewise concerned.
She was emphatic that if we as sisters don't feel like we belong in our wards/stakes then it is the male leadership that has failed. The Bishop is the shepherd of the ward, if we are not feeling like we belong, then the responsibility falls to him to help us. If we ask for callings, calling changes, better home or visiting teachers, he needs to comply. Because these things can help ease our loneliness and help us feel needed and useful.
She doesn't understand why men don't marry us because WE. ARE. AWESOME.

Overall, good meeting. I left feeling like I had been heard, and maybe...just maybe, the next time Sister Allred speaks she'll talk to us. About us. Beacuse, she really does love us. That I know.

I Only Have Myself to Blame

2011-06-20T14:57:00.001-06:00

I work all day as an editor.

I also am helping write articles for my job.

I go home at night, and I don't get a break from all of this.

I have a book I'm trying to help get published (by being an assistant editor.)

I have a book chapter that needs revisions so that it can be published.

I have a presentation that needs revisions. (For those that don't know, this means I have a paper that needs revisions and about a week before the presentation, I'll have to create said presentation.)

I guess it's a good thing I love doing this? Because honestly? I should be feeling burned out by now.

Red Iguana? Over-hyped.

2011-05-19T08:36:00.007-06:00

I went to Red Iguana....once...

We didn't have to wait that long, but I was completely underwhelmed by the food. Completely. I had such high expectations that I was really looking forward to it.

Imagine my disappointment though, when I could only try one of their moles. I'm (mildly) allergic to peanuts so most of them were off-limits. The one I did try, seemed bland to me. See, I'm a spicy-food-loving girl. I was raised on it. Yum. These moles (my foodie friend that was with me tried all of them and agrees) had impressive lists of ingredients, but when tasted they fell flat to me. There really was no flavor layering or complexity.

Think of it this way: It was like taking 5 paints and mixing them together for brown. Instead of each color maintaining some semblance of its former self. That's what these flavors did. They blended together so much that the food tasted brown. There was no discernible remnants of where the flavors came from. It was just brown, and not beautifully layered flavors.

I know that Guy Fieri loved the moles and said they were "money." We are all entitled to our opinions.

I don't get the Red Iguana worship. I really don't. I've had much better Mexican food in my day. And you can get food that compares (extremely well) other places. I recently read a review of Red Iguana that said "The food was great, there is no doubt about that, but not so out of this world impressive that I would turn up and queue for a long period." There is probably no way I will eat there again (lactose intolerance aside, I love to eat Mexican food. But the stomach ache is not worth the Red Iguana....), unless it was for a friend and I loved that friend a good deal. She knows who she is. ;)

The food isn't bad. I'm not saying it is, I'm just saying it's unimpressive and over-hyped.

RE: Jon's Mom

2011-03-24T10:41:00.001-06:00

Your mom's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear!

or

Your mom's so old she's in Jesus's yearbook!

That's all

Walking on Clouds

2011-03-10T10:26:00.003-07:00

For those that don't know, I met with a General Authority (GA) yesterday. He is a friend's uncle, and I got the hook-up. I know that I'm lucky to have a friend with an uncle who is a GA, because this is not a normal occurrence for most Church members.

Thank you, dear friend. You totally made my day...make that life!

The meeting was more than I could have hoped for. We talked about how it's hard to be a single adult in the Church.

I'm not talking in-college-single-adult. I'm talking career-holding-single-adult over the age of about 25. Up until then, singleness is tolerated fairly well. At my age, it's looked on with pity, uncertainty, and even disdain. (Not by all, but all three have been directed towards me in one way or another.)

People like me are given advice:

Well, if you just did ..... I bet you'd find a guy.
You know I bet it's because guy's find you ..... so if you were less ..... I bet you'd find a guy.
You can be a mom too, we're meant to be nurturers and you can nurture without being married and having your own kids!

Thanks, but none of this is good advice and to all of you, I call your bullshit. Thanks, but none of this is actually helpful to anyone who is single. It makes us secretly hate you. Clearly, you're married and oh-so-incredibly-happy and that makes you an expert on getting married and being happy even if I'm not married! Neither of those is true.

Anyway, I digress. The Elder I met with, told me that he agrees that the plight of the singles isn't great. That the Church once upon a time had a council who's sole purpose in being was to make sure our needs were being addressed and taken care of. This council hasn't existed in about over 30 years. He'd like to see it reinstated. I would too.

We talked about how I feel it's harder to be female and single in the Church. (I'm not trying to minimize the plight of the single men, I promise.) You see, there's a difference in what the young men are taught and what the young women are taught. Go ahead, do a quick comparison. I'll wait.....

See? We are taught, as young women when we are most impressionable, that we are only meant to marry and have babies and be great home makers. There are a few lessons on choosing vocations, getting educations, being independent...but we all know that we won't need those lessons. We're to be wives! mothers! and we'll rock at it.

Until it doesn't happen.

I pointed out this discrepancy to the Elder, and he said "that scope is much too narrow! I agree with you."

He wants me to talk to the Relief Society General President about my current situation. (And others like me.) He wants me to talk to the Priesthood leader who leads the council over the Primary, Young Men, Young Women, Relief Society, Elder's Quorum about possibly changing the curriculum to be more inclusive...without diminishing our divine roles.

He's asked me to sit down and figure out what I would have liked to have been taught, now with hindsight in my favor. And present that to those who can make a difference.

I can't even tell you what this feels like. Some emotions: nervous, happy, scared, ecstatic, joy, terror, freedom, validation, vindication..........

I feel like God is smiling down on me. Like He is opening up a path to me that I couldn't have dreamed of walking down. It's as if He is saying, "look, this is why you've done all you've done and why things were the way they were. I needed you to do this."

But most of all. I feel like my grandma is proud of me.

I miss you Grandma. This is for you.

The Ocean of Grief

2011-01-07T15:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever experienced grief? Specifically, grief from the loss of a loved one? It sucks. That's all there is to it.

I've experienced a lot of grief of this nature in my life. A lot. Twenty times or so. I've counted. In one of my darker moments I started a mental list of all the people who's passing had a direct effect on my life. I came up with 20. I won't list them out here, because that's personal. But grief and I are on a first name basis.

Here's what I've learned about grief: it's a bitch. But it's very predictable...if you understand the ocean and how it works. I'll explain:

First, let's talk about waves. Waves are comprised of two parts: the crest and the trough. The crest is the high point, and the trough is the low point. See Figure 1 below.

Figure 1: Waves Explained
Imagine you are visiting the ocean. The water is calm, it's so calm that it is perfectly still. You walk out into the ocean and you stop when the water hits your chest. As you're standing there, the waves start to pick up. As the waves grow you notice that when the crest washes over you, you're completely submerged. (If you remain flat footed on the ocean floor.) But when you're in the trough portion of the wave, the water is only at your waist. This is how waves work.

As waves wash up on the shore, the surface water is moving in, but below the surfaces the water is moving backwards. This ebb and flow can create a situation where the water stops washing up to the shore and instead gets caught in a tumble that builds until the ocean waves behind gather enough steam to push the water forward. If you've spent time standing calf deep in the water, you'll understand this phenomenon. (Refer back to Figure 1: the "orbital path of water, is similar to this...only closer to the shore.)

Imagine standing calf deep, and feeling this tumble of water. Now, your feet are sinking deeper in the sand as the water moves the sand around you. When the big burst of water comes up from behind you are knocked off balance and will find yourself submerged - mostly.

Grief acts in much the same way as the ocean. It hits you in the same way the waves do. When you're first thrown into the sea of grief you find yourself chest deep in the ocean. That first wave comes at you and you feel like you're drowning. That you're never going to be able to breathe again. Then the trough comes. You're able to plant your feet back down and gather your strength back to you. Until the next wave hits, and you're struggling to break the surface again.

Slowly, you're able to get yourself back, near the shore of normal life. You can see it in front of you, tempting you, calling your name. But you're feet are stuck in place, held there by the swirling grief that is still trying to keep you back, preventing you from moving on. As you're getting ready to take that last step out of grief, you find that sudden slam of grief that hits your from behind. You're knocked off your feet again, but this time your head remains above the grief. You momentarily panic, but you're able to recover faster than before. And slowly, you step out of the grief and into normal. It is a new normal, but normal nonetheless.

The secret to surviving grief: don't fight it. If you start fighting the ocean, you will drown. If you fight grief, it will destroy you. Ride the waves, and they will slowly move you back to normal.

I return to the ocean. When you're out in the middle of the waves and you pick up your feet, you can start riding the waves. Think of the surfers - they don't get caught in a perpetual crest/trough cycle. By riding the waves, they are returned to the shoreline. Like them, those found in grief can ride the waves to the shore. By picking up your feet and allowing yourself the chance to feel the grief, to experience the grief, you will allow yourself to heal and return to normal. When you try to keep your feet on the ground, and you fight against the grief because you don't want to feel, you keep yourself stuck where the grief will beat you until you can not stand anymore.

Grief is not there to destroy you, it's there to help you heal. Often, it'll feel like it takes you forever to reach normal. It happens. Each bought of grief is different, each time you are faced with loss, you are dumped in the ocean of grief at a different place than the time before. I have found myself only waist deep with loss. Other times, I find myself treading water when after being unceremoniously dumped. You can never quite predict where you will find yourself.

If you're lucky, you'll find yourself with a life preserver out there. Faith, family, friends. These life preservers can help you keep your head above the waves as you slowly find your way back to normal.

Open Dialogue, Better than Sanctions Since 1944

2010-12-07T10:14:00.002-07:00

(I just chose a date, it has no significance. I saw this article (op-ed) on ccn.com this morning and think that she makes great points.)

Hiker freed from Tehran prison: Time for U.S.-Iran ties
By Sarah Shourd, Special to CNN

Editor's note: Sarah Shourd was freed from prison in Iran 2½ months ago. Shourd, her fiancé, Shane Bauer, and Josh Fattal were hiking in the mountains in northern Iraq in July 2009 and were arrested by Iranian border guards, accused of spying and imprisoned. Shourd was released after 410 days in solitary confinement; her companions remain imprisoned. To learn more, visit freethehikers.org.

(CNN) -- When I was in Evin Prison in Tehran, a guard twice brought flowers to my cell. Each time, I'd hear the door open and look up to see her standing there with a huge smile and homegrown roses. I was speechless with gratitude.
When I broke down and cried, she would hold me in her arms, look me in the eyes and say, "God willing, Sarah, it's going to be OK."
Since my release, many people have wondered why I have not been more condemning of the country that kept me in solitary confinement for 410 days. They have wanted to know why I speak with such conviction about the need for an improved Iranian-U.S. relationship and highlight my love for the Middle East and respect for Muslim culture.
At a very personal level, I never would have been kept in jail for 14 months if Iran and the United States had a better relationship. My fiancé, Shane Bauer, and our close friend Josh Fattal would not still be in prison in Iran today on the baseless charge of espionage.
But there is more to my conviction than the merely personal. I don't believe that the animosity between Iran and the United States is an insuperable obstacle; it's the responsibility of all governments to engage diplomatically, regardless of their differences, and when they can't or don't, it is their people who suffer the most.
This week's nuclear talks in Geneva, Switzerland, involving Iran and the United States, the first in more than a year, are a hopeful sign that there can be a dialogue, as difficult as the challenges may be. Both countries have taken positive steps in recent months that offer some encouragement. Notably, the U.S. has officially designated the Iranian militant group Jundallah a terrorist organization, a decision applauded by Iran.
There is a long way to go toward overcoming the animosities of three decades, but now is the best time for dialogue. When I ask my government, and the Iranian government, to seize this opportunity, I'm thinking of the future. I'm thinking about the children I hope to have someday and about my children's children.
Shane and I had been living in Damascus, Syria, for more than a year before our fateful trip to Iraqi Kurdistan with Josh. I was teaching English to Iraqi refugees and Shane was working as a journalist. We hoped to use our work to counter the negative perceptions of the Middle East and Islam among many Americans and act as a bridge between our cultures. Josh, an environmentalist, was visiting us. He had heard about our experiences and came with an open, curious heart to share in our passion for the region.
How different our situation would have been if the United States had an embassy in Iran when Shane, Josh and I were arrested on the border with Kurdistan, where we had gone hiking. In the absence of a normal U.S.-Iranian relationship, we sat in our cells for two months before our families had any information about us, or we knew anything of what they were going through.
When Swiss diplomats, who represent U.S. interests in Iran, finally got to see us, I was so shellshocked by my isolation that I could barely utter a few words to pass on to my family. At the same time, over the course of my imprisonment, the belief that we could somehow emerge from a very painful experience better equipped to face the problems of our world helped Shane, Josh and I through the seemingly interminable days of loneliness, uncertainty and despair.
In prison, we gave ourselves a choice. We could come out as better people or we could let our experience crush the part of ourselves that we value the most -- the part that allows us to see beyond the differences that appear to divide us from people of other cultures and religions or with different points of view. This vision of religious pluralism and respect for knowledge is rooted in the ideals upon which our country was founded and is something all Americans can share.
More than anything, I want Shane and Josh to be free. I also do not want what happened to us to happen to other people, American or Iranian. I hope our leaders find the courage to begin to break from our nations' hostile past, just as the prison guard who brought me flowers was able to see past my nationality and recognize our common humanity.
The guard and I had very little to build on in terms of a common language, but I would say "one God" in Farsi and she would repeat the words with a solemn nod of the head.
When she found out that I was being released, the guard asked whether I would forget her once I got back to America. I told her I never would.
The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Sarah Shourd.

Let's Be Upfront: I'm not anti-The Pill

2010-12-01T12:05:00.002-07:00

I'm not against using the pill as a means of birth control. I'm not against birth control in general either. That being said, I found this article to be really interesting to read.

If you're making a choice, you should have all the information...imho.

For The Love People...for the love

2010-11-17T15:30:00.002-07:00

Helpful tip: perfume should be used sparingly. Seriously. Do not, under any circumstances, bathe in it. Trust me. This is for you. And mostly for me.

I'm highly allergic to perfume. ALL perfume. I'm just talking perfume. Not scented candles, not scented lotions or anything like that. But perfume. It's something about the chemical base of it that leaves me...well...gasping for air.

Brand doesn't matter. Price point doesn't matter. If you have perfume on, I will experience all of the following symptoms:

pounding headache. (seriously pounding.)
burning eyes.
sinus pressure...which leads into
sinus pain that radiates through my whole head...even my teeth will start to hurt. I'm not being hyperbolic.
inability to breathe.
desire to claw the skin off my face.
slight fever...seriously...
hacking cough.
sneezing.

Why am I posting about this? Well, I don't want the people of the world to have to stop using perfume. That would be cruel. Also...some of y'all smell. I'm just saying, less is more.

I went in to use the restroom at work today. And walked out experiencing all of those symptoms. Why? Some coworker of mine decided it would be a good idea to bathe in perfume in the bathroom at work. Did I mention that this room is completely enclosed. It's not even set up with one of those really high windows that could be cracked open to fumigate the room. Nope. Dead center of the building. No windows. It was so bad, I could taste the perfume. Of course, I couldn't breathe through my nose either...that had been destroyed by the fumes.

I just really hate perfume. Use it sparingly people. Like makeup, perfume should enhance your features...not hide them!

Snowboarding or Skiing?

2010-11-16T12:15:00.002-07:00

I've never done either. I'm going to do one this year. But which one?

Damn...I Had a Good Rant Too

2010-11-15T12:19:00.002-07:00

I had a rant all prepared about how much my life sucks and how much I hate my job. It also included plenty of "I know I should be grateful, but I'm not." Things such as "it insults my intelligence" and "Clearly, I wasn't meant to get my Masters." Also on the list was "I'm never going to tell anyone to get a degree of any kind, because I'm still stuck in a job that someone with a HSD would do....so it's not worth it." And end it with a "God doesn't care. I don't care if you think he does, because I'm just not feeling it right now. And that's fine. Don't tell me that I'm wrong."

Those were the highlights.

Then I opened my email. One of my former students, with whom I also took a class, emailed my former advisor. The place he works is looking for editors in his department. Working for his boss. He's going to tell his boss to look for my application. I'm filling it out tonight.

They say networking is the way to get jobs. I hope this works.

Because Geese are the New Duck

2010-11-10T08:58:00.002-07:00

Because sometimes people's stupidity just leaves me speechless.

Sometimes...Play-Doh Breaks

2010-11-08T16:10:00.004-07:00

My heart is heavy today. No parent should have to go through what my cousins are now experiencing.

Saturday, my cousin was in an accident. Due to unfortunate events, he was accidentally strangled while playing. It was no one's fault. It was an accident. Things looked good. Like he would make it. Sadly, he did not.

When things looked good, like he would make it, a friend said to me "God makes kids out of Play-Doh so that He can fix them easily." I had hope. Because it's true. Kids bounce back from things like you would not believe. I've seen my nephews do things that if I did, I'd be out for the count. Total KO. But they just keep on going. No broken bone or scrapes. I joke that kids have bendy-bones and thus, they don't break easily.

But, Play-Doh sometimes cannot be put back together. Sometimes bendy-bones are not enough.

And so today, I was asked to say goodbye to one of the most amazing little boys I've ever met in my life. He had the most beautiful face and such a sweet spirit about him. No one should have to say goodbye to a 3 year old. Especially not their parents.

I take comfort in my faith today. My faith that teaches me that little children are innocent beings that are saved should they die because they are without sin.

Doctrine & Covenants 137:10 And I also beheld that all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven.

I take comfort in my knowledge that he is with his G.G. (Great-Grandma), Great-Grandpa, three of his cousins, and an uncle. All of whom had passed on before. And I'm sure there are others who welcomed him with open arms and warm embraces.

I take comfort knowing that I, too, will be able to see his sweet face again someday.

Today I am grateful for my faith. It gives me hope, it brings me understanding when faced with the unimaginable.

So if you have little ones, or big ones...or love anyone at all. Let them know. Today. Tomorrow may be too late.

It has been raining here all day. Yesterday it was raining in Boise. The angels were crying. I think the earth knows what she lost and is mourning that. The rain, today, is a poetic reminder of my grief.

Sadly, A New (Not so) Secret Shame

2010-10-06T17:50:00.003-06:00

I saw this show yesterday. I don't even have words...

You heard it here...it's a message from God.

Paradigm Shift

2010-09-09T08:28:00.002-06:00

I have a Master's degree. My bound theses copies came yesterday. (Way to go BYU on getting my accent in my name!! w00t!) All I need is that peice of paper now and it's 100% legit.

Unfortunately, this makes me unemployable.

Unfortunately, I'm working as a receptionist. (With great people!! I love the people here.)

Fortunately, I now understand why I'm working here in this job.

I was questioning God. I knew He helped me get this job. I was promised a job that would cover my needs. This job does that. What I didn't understand is why I got a job that did not use my degree, or a job that didn't directly use my degree...but still used it.

I was pondering this as I was reading Church things the other day and I finally understood. This is my vacation. God knew I really couldn't take time off after my graduation to destress and declutter my brain. (My poor brain/body...you have no idea what it's been through...shingles, carpal tunnel, anxieties...to name a few.) My body needed a rest too. I couldn't keep going. I literally couldn't go into a job that was high stress. I would have burned out, quickly.

I'm grateful that God knows what I need even when it's not what I want. I'm feeling much more rested and happy lately. I've been applying for jobs still so maybe I'll get one in the near future.

Wish me luck!

I So Need to Marry an Ethnic Boy

2010-09-08T23:21:00.001-06:00

White boys don't dance like this. Love these kids!

Up in the Dark

2010-08-07T18:18:00.002-06:00

It's no secret why we're here

You can't keep it from it
In another moonless minute it's open wide

You hide secrets from them
You hide secrets but they're spent
All that kept the lights on when the power went

What's love?
What's love?
What's love?
What what turns up in the dark?

What's love?
What's love?
What's love?
What what turns up in the dark?

What turns up in the dark?
What turns up in the dark?

You can't see them in it
It gets weaker, watch them go
Wrap yourself around me in the shadow show

You hide secrets from them
They were the weakest ones we heard
Only when the lights were killed they sang that verse

What's love?
What's love?
What's love?
What what turns up in the dark?

What's love?
What's love?
What's love?
What what turns up in the dark?

What turns up in the dark?
What turns up in the dark?

What's love?
What's love?
What's love?
What what turns up in the dark?

What's love?
What's love?
What's love?
What what turns up in the dark?

What turns up in the dark?
What turns up in the dark?

The Top 5 Guys

2010-07-07T20:02:00.002-06:00

Once upon a time, a friend of mine was asked out by a boy. She said no. I was shocked, I told her "YOU DON'T SAY NO TO A TOP FIVE GUY!!"

But she did.

So Roommate and I decided that if we were going to allude to a Top 5 Guy list for our ward, we should probably make an actual list. To protect their privacy, we have changed their names:

Mr. F
~~Rupert~~ Baldwin
Murdock
Doyle
~~McCartney~~ Darcy

(These are in no particular order. We often place them in a specific order, but thought it would be best if they were randomized here. That way should any of them figure out (1) where my blog is and (2) who they are on the list, they won't' feel bad about their placement.)

Someday I might fill you in on the details of how these names came to be, but for now: nope.

You've heard me talk about Murdock on here before; yes, he's in the Top 5. No, he wasn't placed there because he intrigues me. He genuinely is a Top 5 sort of guy. What makes a Top 5 Guy, a Top 5 Guy? Here's the short list:

Honors his Temple Covenants
Respectful of women
Priesthood holders
Active in church
Dependable
Motivated
Ambitious
Genuine
Funny

I could keep going, but I think you get the picture. Now to tell you a story: ~~Rupert~~ Baldwin wasn't on the list. I believed he would NEVER be on the list. And then we found out that he had such a deep respect for his Temple covenants that they were the first priority in his life. I can't get into the details, but when I heard that, I was floored. He jumped onto the list and he hasn't left it yet.

The thing is, these guys are really good guys. I'm glad to call them my friends. And truth be told, that's what started this Murdock intrigues me thing. I knew he was Top 5, but I didn't know anything about him nor why he was Top 5 material. I knew why the others were, they're my friends. So I decided to figure him out. And that's that.

My ward is full of really great guys, even if they're not on the list*, they are still worthy of it. We made this list as a joke, and we still tease my friend about rejecting a Top 5 Guy. But truth is? Rejecting pretty much any of the guys in my ward would be a mistake...with a few exceptions, but every ward has a creeper or two, right?

So here's to you, Top 5 Guys!

*That's the other nice thing about made up names. They aren't really that specific person I had in mind because it's just a made up 'nym. It could be for anyone in the ward.

Stupid Chinese Spammers

2010-06-02T22:50:00.002-06:00

I will now be moderating comments so that Chinese spammers don't show up on my blog anymore.

Okay. Love ya bye.

I Like Them Whiter than Sour Cream

2010-05-23T15:23:00.003-06:00

TheRoommate and I were rocking out to Weird Al's White & Nerdy the other day. See, we have a type...we both like the white and nerdy types. But...as we were singing the song, we realized that it's because we're white and nerdy. (Well, I'm slightly olive and nerdy...but....yeah.) For those that know us, the fact that we fit the song isn't surprising. It's also probably not surprising that we go for the white and nerdy types. So, without further ado (or adieu...for those that get the joke...) here is a list of things that we realized we actually look for in a guy, a la Weird Al....

"Keep your 40, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea" (tea is sexy, not going to lie...but just like the more refined palette this implies)
"My rims never spin, to the contrary, you'll find they're quite stationary" (no pimped out cars, please)
"Steven Hawkings in my library" (This one may not be as true as others, but he'd have a love for non-fiction....or he's out)
"Yo, I know Pi to a thousand places" (read: smart)
"Ain't got no grills" (see #2)
"...my fingers movin' so fast I"ll set the place ablaze" (dirty. ;) actually, reference to MineSweeper)
"There's no killer app I haven't run" (tech geeks...LOVE!)
"Do vector calculus just for fun" (I may or may not do this for fun....)
"Happy Days is my favorite theme song" (LOVE this show...Fonz, he still got it.)
"I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong" (yeah, nerdy games are best...)
"I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on" (four play?)
"My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored" (tech geek...see?)
"I memorized Holy Grail really well" (I may or may not be able to quote this....)
"Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap" (it's sorta addicting....)
"...nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour cream" (yeah, i don't get this attraction, but it's there)
"the only question I ever thought was hard was Do I like Kirk or do I like Picard" (Picard. Hands down. Kirk is too much of a play boy, Picard....*sigh*.....*blushes* oops....)

And for those that were counting I know for a fact Murdock is about half of these, I'm hoping to learn more soon. Now, there's nothing to report. Still keeping this one on the down low.

Yep, White n' Nerdy!

I HATE Lady Gaga, but!

2010-04-30T14:32:00.001-06:00

I love me some US Soldiers....

Mawage.

2010-04-22T19:17:00.003-06:00

Except not. I hope you weren't all excited that I was announcing something. I'm sorry, I'm not.

Sadly...for you!

For me, I get to talk about how amazing ducks are. (I'm not really sure if they're amazing...but the url made me do it...or makes...)

Unlike lobsters, ducks do not mate for life. These two ducks just happen to be together, eating right now...but not for long. See, once she's laid her eggs, he'll leave her. Until the next year, at which point she'll probably end up with a different male duck. And so the process goes.

There are some really horrifying things out there about ducks. But, it is the "wild" kingdom after all...and we can't expect these animals to act civilized all the time. Thankfully, they don't have the same cognitive skills we do...so we can be glad of that.

Life is The Suck

2010-04-20T12:25:00.002-06:00

Well, BYU has done it again...and it's not really anyone's fault. But...my life is still inconvenienced by them again.

I was planning on defending my thesis on July 2. However, time lines have changed today because I would have to have all changes made/approved by July 6. This is a newer deadline that just got handed down. No one saw it coming.

This means all my previous deadlines are now bumped up a week. Yep. Lucky me. Well, that gives me 5 weeks to write the thing. Think I can do it? I don't. I honestly don't.

FML.

In other news...I looked hot when Murdock saw me last night...though that doesn't mean a whole lot.

We'll see.

Presenting TheNiece!

2010-04-19T11:40:00.005-06:00

I can't get over how beautiful she is. She's perfect. I haven't even met her yet, but I love her already.

My lil-bro and his wife do good work, don't you think?

I Laughed, I Cried, I Cheered

2010-04-13T10:39:00.002-06:00

Love this.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for

2010-04-13T09:23:00.002-06:00

So, I don't understand the love of random.org. I put in the numbers and kept getting "7" as the response. I did this 10 times. Just so you guys don't think there was any rigging involved, I have decided to be transparent.

I went through the comments and labeled y'all 1-6. I had promised Karen, that she would be on the list as well...since her story started all this. She was #7.

Guess who won?

Karen!

That's right, Karen won this competition a total of 10 times. I don't think random.org's random number generator is completely random. Though the 11th time I did this #2 won. She's my sister and I decided that I was giving up at this point and Karen was clearly the winner.

Maybe the Universe is just trying to make up for that horrible date?

Well, Karen...email me and I'll get you your CDs.

Retro Games Destroy the World...

2010-04-08T16:11:00.004-06:00

...this is pretty awesome, if you ask me!

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

really, tights are not pants...

2010-04-08T14:03:00.002-06:00

I found this while stumbling around the internet...LOVE IT!

Like Getting Rick Rolled...only WORSE

2010-04-07T19:45:00.002-06:00

Today I was Britney Speared. Yep, my good friend gromit said "No it is entirely by mistake. Oops! I did it again..." in response to my accusation that they were liking my forum posts on purpose. Now, I like having people "like" what I say. But I had pointed out earlier that I had given 61 likes and received 61 likes. I had matching numbers. She, of course, liked my comment...putting me out of balance. Then more people started. And so I accused them of "liking my comments on purpose" and that was gromit's response.

Then she quoted herself and posted a link. I should have known better. Suddenly, I was assaulted by Britney's music video.

I was Britney Speared.

This is the part of the story where I admit, that I know every word to that song. And actually enjoyed it. I am ashamed. I did not enjoy being Britney Speared today. It brought up my shame and it's like I'm 17 again and the shame is all too real.

On a happier note (and as an apology for everyone that will follow the link and watch Britney) remember when The President was Rick Rolled?

I do.

Music and Life

2010-04-06T14:26:00.002-06:00

Music is very important to me. To be sure, you don't develop a fan-crush without loving music. So it's not surprising, that I associate certain music with certain people/times in my life.

Murdock = jazz. I don't know why. But he does.

Roommate (Kalliope) = death metal/Green Day

Ex-BF (and that whole time) = "dirty hippie" music

Spring = Dear Prudence by The Beatles

Summer = Maroon 5

And so on. Music is important and each style reminds me of someone or some place. And each person can make me think of a song or artist that they seem to be represented by.

Also: anytime I wear the flowers my sister made for me...I get the lyrics to San Fransisco stuck in my head.

My Last Will and Testament....

2010-04-01T11:18:00.004-06:00

*Edited*
As I'm sharing some happy news with my sister, she says "If you die because of this, just make sure it is in the will that Greg gets your car...and I get your shoes."

She's a gem, that one. So to ensure, that should I die, my wishes are met...here is my "Last Will and Testament" as dictated between my sister and me.

Me: Thanks. And my clothes go to? My books? Movies? Music?

TheSister: Clothes for Jenn. Books to Kristie.

Me: Anything else I'm missing?

TS: Movies and music should be split up amongst us all.

Me: How? That might be hard. would Greg get the laptop too?

TS: Yes, please. Oh, and I get the desk.

Me: Um, no. Dad gets that back.

TS: With music and movies, make a list of people in order of picking and let everyone pick one each, as we go through the list. Until they're gone.

Me: Can't I divide by genre? Or something? Mom gets the musicals, Dad the action, something like that?

TS: Would work.

Me: But that might be considered an unfair division. (You'd for sure get all my 80s movies...or Kristie.) Yeah, let's just do the picking order list thing. Ladies first, by age...then boys, by age. Nephews/niece included.

TS: Good because you have some Disney that the boys would want. (Or she wants for the boys, but we'll let her believe that the boys want them...)

Me: Right, and I don't want you to feel you have to give up your choice to the kids. Plus, this means you and Greg will be top of all the lists since he's the oldest boy...and you're the oldest girl. Plus, oldest male grandchild.

TS: Hey, fair is fair.

Me: It just worked out that way. I'm going to blog about this, I hope you know. That'll totally make it legal.

----

TheRoommate gets my kitchen stuff, with the understanding that anything she doesn't need/want is given to my family to divide as they will.

Picking order:
Dad (I know he's not a girl, but he IS the ultimate oldest...that counts for something)
Mom
Kristie
TheSister
TheRoommate (she needs in a few rounds, I have movies/music/books she'd love)
Sis-in-Law #1
Jenn (see note above)
Sis-in-Law #2
Niece
Bro-in-Law
TheBrother
TheOtherBrother
Gideon
Jeremiah
Wesley
Domnique
Max

There you go!

Disney's Ducks

2010-04-01T10:45:00.004-06:00

And no, I don't mean The Mighty Ducks or the Anaheim Ducks. I'll talk about them later.

No, this is a way to tell you guys that I went to DISNEYLAND!! And I loved it. Every minute of it. I have the best aunt in the world. I just had SO. MUCH. FUN. with her. And spent WAY. TOO. MUCH. Oh well!!

Yes, the Happiest Place on Earth, comes complete with the Happiest Ducks on Earth. This particular duo, lives in the shadows of Sleeping Beauty's Castle.

They seemed quite content with their lives, and I'm pretty sure that the tourists feed them well.

I can attest to this, because whilst eating at California Adventure...I may have fed the ducks some AMAZING sour dough...just saying...but that is another post for another time.

Disneyland has the happiest ducks on earth. And probably the richest...note all the pennies that they swim above. So happiest and richest ducks on earth are found at Disneyland.

Speaking Moron

2010-03-31T11:37:00.004-06:00

This blog has been taken down, because someone opened their mouth about my blog to people that were mentioned herein. LAME!

I have it saved elsewhere...and may put it back up later. Okay, love ya bye!

It's About Time I Did This....

2010-03-31T10:23:00.003-06:00

So, I read a lot of blogs, with giveaways. I've been wanting to do one, I don't have many followers, I'm sure. But, why not reward the few, the proud, the Xan-Fans? (Totally calling you guys that from now on. You love it.)

Here's the deal: I make CDs...like mixed tapes. I LOVE them. I do. They make me happy inside. My newest ventures in the mixed tape arena have created "Allergic 2 Love" and soon to be "Too Allergic 2 Love." (The name is a reference to a song by The Shins. In case you like random facts...) The winner of this give-away will get both of those CDs...unless you're one of the Xan-Fans that already has "Allergic 2 Love" at which point, you can choose from such greats as "Drinking Songs" or "Songs about ........" (You can fill in the name of that boy there. It's different for each girl...or girl's name if you're a guy.)

How to enter?

Read my friend's blog about her most recent, worst-date-ever.
Post about your worst-date-ever in my comments.

That's it. Except not...I am now updating this post, because I'm a moron and didn't put a deadline. Hmmmmm....April 9. That gives you a little more than one week.

Go!

Formula for a Great Weekend

2010-03-29T10:49:00.004-06:00

Despite it all!

Sitting outside with kids running wild around you.

and by kids, I mean, yes...there may have been people over the age of 27 running wild as well.

Hanging out with really cool people and getting to know them better.

TheGirlDennis...you rock...not that you read this, or need an online 'nym, but now you have one!

Watching Down With Love

So cheesy, and so stupid...but I love it.

Having HIM smile at me.

Priceless...I'm such a girl.

So despite having to move out of the one place where I actually had a good roommate, the weekend didn't suck as badly as it could.

10 Things Every American Should Know About Health Care Reform

2010-03-24T13:46:00.001-06:00

Thank you to MoveOn.org for publishing this list. I've read most of the sources cited below too.

1. Once reform is fully implemented, 94% of Americans will have health insurance coverage, including 32 million who are currently uninsured.

2. Health insurance companies will no longer be allowed to deny people coverage because of preexisting conditions—or to drop coverage when people become sick.

3. Just like members of Congress, individuals and small businesses who can't afford to purchase insurance on their own will be able to pool together and choose from a variety of competing plans with lower premiums.

4. Reform will cut the federal budget deficit by $143 billion over the next ten years, and a whopping $1.2 trillion in the following ten years.

5. Health care will be more affordable for families and small businesses thanks to new tax credits, subsidies, and other assistance—paid for largely by taxing insurance companies, drug companies, and the very wealthiest Americans.

6. Seniors on Medicare will pay less for their prescription drugs because the legislation closes the "donut hole" gap in existing coverage.

7. By reducing health care costs for employers, reform will create or save more than 2.5 million jobs over the next decade.

8. Medicaid will be expanded to offer health insurance coverage to an additional 16 million low-income people.

9. Instead of losing coverage after they leave home or graduate from college, young adults will be able to remain on their families' insurance plans until age 26.

10. Community health centers would receive an additional $11 billion, doubling the number of patients who can be treated regardless of their insurance or ability to pay.

Sources:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10. "Affordable Health Care for America: Summary," House Energy and Commerce Committee, March 18, 2010
http://wwwd.house.gov/akamaidocs/energycommerce/SUMMARY.pdf

3. "Insurance Companies Prosper, Families Suffer: Our Broken Health Insurance System," U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Accessed March 22, 2010
http://healthreform.gov/reports/insuranceprospers/index.html

4. "Affordable Health Care for America: Health Insurance Reform at a Glance: Revenue Provisions," House Energy and Commerce Committee, March 18, 2010
http://wwwd.house.gov/akamaidocs/energycommerce/REVENUE.pdf

5. "New Jobs Through Better Health Care," Center for American Progress, January 8, 2010
http://www.americanprogress.org/issues/2010/01/new_jobs_health.html

8, 9. "Proposed Changes in the Final Health Care Bill," The New York Times, March 22, 2010
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2010/03/19/us/politics/20100319-health-care-reconciliation.html

10. "Affordable Health Care for America: Health Insurance Reform at a Glance: Addressing Health and Health Care Disparities," House Energy and Commerce Committee, March 20, 2010
http://docs.house.gov/energycommerce/DISPARITIES.pdf

Pity Party of One? Your Table is Ready

2010-03-18T11:01:00.005-06:00

My life is great. It is. I have a good job, that uses my degree. And my review went great. There is a possibility of a promotion in the near future.

So why am I so bummed?

I get to tell my family and my friends about it. But that's it. I know, I know, I know. I don't need a man. I don't. I'm happy. I am. But sometimes, when I get great news like this....I want someone else to share it with. I want someone that I can say "hey, I want you to know how happy I am" to and have them understand in that way that a SO would.

Am I crazy? Am I stupid? Or...am I just being a single girl with a real life that is stuck in MarriageLand?

*sigh*

I Couldn't Agree More

2010-03-16T14:55:00.000-06:00

An Oldie...but a Goodie

2010-03-15T20:39:00.001-06:00

Sorry about all the videos lately, but they're brilliant, and you know it.

Also, Ellen interviewed the Old Spice hottie. Love it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

When A Cardinal Speaks...I Listen

2010-03-15T14:11:00.003-06:00

Francis Cardinal George | Catholics and Latter-day Saints: Partners in the Defense of Religious Freedom | February 23, 2010 | BYU Broadcasting

The link will take you to the video of the Broadcast. Enjoy. I know I did.

*To watch the video, you might have to download BYU's player format...otherwise, maybe you can just listen.

....The Man Your Man Could Smell Like....

2010-03-15T12:50:00.002-06:00

Best. Commercial. Ever. Period.

Baby Ducks...or Why You Shouldn't Get Married

2010-03-15T11:57:00.003-06:00

I know what you're thinking....babies are not why we shouldn't get married. Nope, especially when you have potential for cute babies. Like these beautiful ducklings to the right. Aren't the so sweet? I just want to cuddle them.

I don't know why they called the book the "Ugly Duckling." Ducklings are NOT ugly. And for that matter (I know that it was a baby swan, cygnet, and not a duckling in the story), but they're not that ugly either! Small, fluffy ball of feathers? Yes, please. They're adorable. I can't stand it, and I bet you can't either.

It's almost Spring. (Saturday to be exact) Babies are going to be everywhere, if not already. And what's not to like about them? They follow their parents around and they don't tend to attack you. But watch out for their mothers...they will go full-Mommy-terrorist-mode if they think you are getting too close to their beloved offspring.

For those that have been around a while, you know that there was a case of mistaken identity between a Canada Goose, and a duck. Now, take into account this picture of a baby goose. If you look up at the baby ducks...you might notice that they are both yellowy in hue. However, this goose is clearly darker than the ducklings. So I still don't see how there can be confusion.

Roommate works as a writer for an online bird watcher's site. She's working on identifying distinguishing markings between different fowl. Some are so hard to tell apart that she'll exclaim "THEY'RE THE SAME DAMN BIRD!!" (They're not...but they could be!) Ducks and geese are NOT of this variety. They are clearly different. Stop being confused.

And now, for why you shouldn't get married. A "wise" *cough* girl just said to me: "Don't get married. You turn into an idiot."

I could not agree more. *wink*

How to Get Out of a Library Fine

2010-03-12T13:21:00.004-07:00

Today, I have a story for you. I thought about making the two stories into one blog, but decided giving them each their own blog was more important. They both warrant it. Here we go!

As many of you know, I'm a graduate student. It's getting down to crunch time and I have to work on my thesis. Someone, unaware of this, had the nerve to recall one of MY BOOKS. I was not okay with this. I was sick, so I didn't have energy to work on reading the book. I tried, honest. But I was just too sick.

It came due. I had a choice: return it and wait 3 weeks for it to be returned to me, or keep it and pay $10. I chose the latter. It made more sense.

I worked with the book over the weekend. I finished gleaning information from it on Monday. I went to return the book. Roommate tagged along. I walk up to the Circulation Desk and toss my book on the counter.

Me: I need to return this book and pay my $10 fine.

Young Boy Librarian: Okay, I can take care of that. Can I see your card?

Me: (hands card over...smiles) I needed the book, or I would have returned it on time. I'm just trying to write my thesis.

YBL: That's fine. (clicks away on the computer...I put my leg up on the chair, I'm tired. (He was sitting down at the wheelchair accessible desk.)

Me: So, is it going to let me pay tonight?

YBL: (looking anywhere but at me) Well, you haven't had a fine in awhile....and I'm feeling generous tonight. (still unable to look at me)

Me: REALLY?! (smile big, put leg down to leave, and put card away) Thanks!!

YBL: Yeah, no problem.

I didn't realize what I'd done while I was doing it. I really was just tired when I put my leg up. It's not MY FAULT my legs are 4 feet long!! (not hyperbolic...they pretty much are) The poor kid, he didn't even know what had hit him. He later checked a few books out for me and told me how to "put a trace" on a book that I couldn't find.

My legs should really not be allowed out in public.....

Pure Awesome

2010-03-11T21:40:00.003-07:00

Today, you get two videos that are "pure awesome." The first is Enter Sandman on kazoos...yes, you heard right. Kazoos. They look so serious.

The second is a gay-love-ballad by Mick Jagger and David Bowie. Yes, Dancing in the Streets appears to have connotations that were unintended when these two dance their unchoreographed hearts out.

Happy Friday!!

Things I Love About Work

2010-03-03T10:18:00.002-07:00

My phone - that doesn't work.
My computer - that sounds like it's going to explode.
Other Writer - that declares himself a feminist...regularly...and he is.
Coworker - that says "I'll cut you" to me...all the time. (Incidentally, she said "I'll cut her too" once)
Job Description - that basically says "Be a grad student. We'll pay you." (I'm a writer, I research topics...and then write about them. Sort of like a grad student. Only, I get paid.)
Water Filter - that has had many songs sang about it. By other coworkers (not previously mentioned)
My iPod - that I get to listen to it. Green Day helps me work.
My Research - that is always on really interesting topics. (Tattooing? FUN!)
My Office - that has a window that looks into the hallway. I see all of you as you go to the restroom...I know what you're up to.
QA Guy - that just makes me laugh because he's so funny without intending to be.

Suggestions from Friends

2010-03-03T09:52:00.004-07:00

Coworker suggested that every time I think about Billie Joe Armstrong, I should link to this blog I wrote. I said "that would get ridiculous."

And it would.

Another suggestion from a friend was to find a new therapeutic option for me. One that didn't include infomercials or killing people. Thankfully, Roommate jumped in and said "I'm sorry. That's all there is." And Roommate was right. That is all there is.

Not that I've ever killed anyone, but I have "wanted" to. It would make my life easier if we started going Darwin on these people and thinning the herds of stupid. I'm just saying. I think evolution is too slow sometimes. Survival of the fittest would work faster if the "fittest" took matters into their own hands. Ranchers do it all the time. Thin the herd, that is.

And for those that will say "but how do you decide who is stupid and who isn't?" That's the beauty of a dictatorship. I decide. If you want to know, ask me. I'll tell you.

Glenn Beck? Needs to be thinned out.
Rush? Same there.
Ryan Seacrest? Only if the Pope is Catholic.
Pat Robinson? His time is up.

And there you have it. The short list.

I'm not literally advocating killing anyone. If you think I am, seek help. I'm not. No one deserves to die at the hands of someone else. Everyone is entitled to their opinions even if I find them to be stupid. Okay? I'm not justification for your inability to tease out sarcasm from reality.

Why? Because I Can.

2010-02-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

I want to make one of these.

Edible Pumpkin Pinhole Camera- the making of from BARKS on Vimeo.

FNAM - Update

2010-02-22T11:11:00.002-07:00

Some of you know what FNAM is, some of you don't. To put it simply: it was a plan created by two ex-roommates to get me married. They had no hope for themselves, so I became the project. What did they do to help FNAM? Not much that I can tell. They just ask me how "FNAM" is going on occasion. I tell them "I'm still not dating, does that answer the question?" Usually, they laugh.

You see, none of us is particularly good at the dating boys thing. (Or the dating girls thing for that matter....) We don't play the game that most girls play, where you pretend to be more demure and sweet and innocent and unopinionated and simple and homemakingish and etc..... (I clearly don't have an opinion about these girls....) We say what we mean and we mean what we say.

Last night, I was talking to a friend (guy--he's married) about it. I've been toying with the idea of taking the reins and asking a boy out. (This is not me. Though I don't subscribe to normal gender roles, I still think the men should do the asking. Weird, I know...but I think it's what a gentleman should do.) I asked him how I could go about this. His advice? Show genuine interest in the guy and try to show that I'm not intimidating. He believes that guys may be scared of me, and if I show that the guy has no reason to be scared of me, he'd ask me out. To do this he suggested, I isolate the boy and me from the group (if we're in a group setting.) and tell him I noticed that he does x, y, z and I'm curious about the motivations behind x, y, z. Then be un-intimidating and I might get asked out instead of having to do the asking.

I'm still for doing the asking. But I think this advice is valid. He didn't tell me to turn into a simpleton or to dumb-myself-down for the guy. He just suggested I show the boy (whomever he may be) that I'm interested and not really all that intimidating. Because I'm not. I'm not as mean as I appear or as out spoken as I appear. Some of it is a protective measure, and some of it is learned for other reasons.

Long story short. I may be trying this theory out soon. :)

Four Years Ago (Yesterday)

2010-02-19T12:35:00.004-07:00

Dear Grandma-

Just thought I'd fill you in on what's been happening over the last four years. Mostly life has plodded along as if nothing changed, but everything changes. There's an old saying "the more things change, the more they stay the same." Am I right??

I've started graduate school. I'm almost completed. I need to write my thesis, but there is so much more I want to do than sit at a desk and write it. However, I need to get it done so that I can move on to the rest of my life.

I have a job now. It's actually a good job. The best part is that it uses my degree. I don't think life could have worked itself out any better for me.

Of course, I'm still single. But then you probably knew that I would be. You were always so much more aware of us than we gave you credit. (PS, be nice to my kids...don't teach them too many of my old tricks, they don't need the help!! I've met Wesley and Maxwell...they have your handiwork written all over them.) I'm happy with my life, I don't regret the path I've chosen. I wouldn't trade my time away at school and this job for any of the "typical Mormon girl" life choices.I am a published researcher, you know. I was able to present in Hawaii at a conference there. Twist my arm. :)

I never would have done half of this without your influence in my life. Between you and the other Grandma, I couldn't have asked for better examples. You two taught me what it meant to be a woman. You are both feminist and probably didn't realize it. But you knew what you wanted from life, and you got it. All of it.

Sometimes when I'm driving up Emerald (or Five Mile, or any of the streets near your home) I forget and put my blinker on like I'm going to see you. I'll even move into the turn lane before I remember I can't stop by and see you.

They say time heals all wounds, but time will never heal the loss I feel. Most days are great, I hardly miss you. But then something happens, and I'm reminded of you and the pain is as intense as it was four years ago. I think what really happens is that time puts a scab on the wound. So that it doesn't hurt constantly. Until you catch that scab on something and it rips up a bit, the pain comes back and is intense for a short time.

I miss you.

Love,

Xan

A Day Late

2010-02-18T11:23:00.003-07:00

For Lent, I'm fasting from the following:

I'm hoping that giving up TV will force me to be more productive with my free evenings.

Fast Food

I am always trying to be healthier, of course.

Soda

I have been having massive heartburn issues lately, I'm hoping that cutting soda will eliminate the problem.

Well, there you have it. I Lenten Fast to be proud of.

A Rant

2010-02-18T09:00:00.002-07:00

Dear BYU:

Look, I know I didn't enroll in classes, so it was technically okay for you to tell UHEAA that. But I'm a grad student. I'd taken 8 credit hours last semester and did not need to take classes this term since I only have the thesis left.

See, I probably wouldn't be upset about this if you also hadn't put my account on hold because you don't believe me when I say I have external health insurance. *sigh* So thanks for making me have a complete meltdown over how to pay you $200+ that would then just be REFUNDED to me because you won't take Visa. Why won't you take Visa? Because when I called to ask why you were charging a usage fee which is against your contract with Visa, your representative at the Health Center said, "yeah, that's why we don't accept Visa for Health Plans and Tuition." Direct quote. I swear. They don't use Visa because they can't charge us extra with Visa. That's ridiculous.

I hope it's all taken care of. I really hate you guys. I'm glad I won't have to be in school much longer.

Xan

P.S. BYU boys: if you see a girl struggling to carry 50 pounds of books (no exaggeration) offer to help. Trust me, no amount of girl-power-I-don't-need-a-man attitude will prevent her from accepting. Who knows, it could be the start of something beautiful.

Happy 100th Post Bitches!

2010-02-16T15:04:00.002-07:00

Don't like me swearing, too bad! It's the 100th post!! :D I finally made it! And so, without further ado:

Sex with Ducks

Nothing better than pro-gay marriage music and ducks.

Happy 100th Post!

Public Service Announcement!

2010-02-05T11:32:00.001-07:00

Also: Next Post will be post 100!! Look for it!

Random Musings on a Friday Morning

2010-02-05T11:24:00.005-07:00

"The birds are coming back. Spring is getting closer."

"I don't know why she's looking at me. I drive a nondescript car."

"Sometimes, the only reason to call my sister is so I don't start talking to myself."

"Tazo Chai Tea Soy Latte? Yes, please!"

"I hate writing goals. Some of these things are hobbies, but if I don't keep writing things, they'll think I'm not taking this seriously."

"This job has no bearing (that I can yet see) on my future goals. How do I say that without upsetting them?"

"I have a bruise on my arm."

"Now I know what "ballast" means and why they put papers in lights that say "bad ballast."

Losing Weight In Winter: Achievable?

2010-02-02T11:26:00.003-07:00

I'm not sure. Think about it for a second. In the summer months salads are all the rage. Fish too. Fruit abounds and veggies are growing! It's like the cornucopia of good for you food. But what about winter?

Bears put on weight and then sleep through winter, but they need that extra weight for the sleeping, and the cold. Most animals, it should be noted, also bulk up for the winter cool down. My parent's cat certainly does.

My roommate and I are trying to be good about what we eat, this includes eating more salads than other things. But when you get home from work and the 30 degree weather, the last thing you want is a cold bowl of lettuce in your stomach. What you really want are the stick to your bone type dishes that fatten you up. Why? Because we're animals, people! We want to bulk up for the winter when it's too cold outside for skinny--er--sane people. Our natural instinct is to go for the chili and stews and leave the light-weight food for the animals (where some would argue it belongs).

So imagine my dismay when Punxsutawney Phil decided we had 6 more weeks of this hell to go through. Thankfully, my dear friend Newt sent me a link to the wiki page for Groundhog's Day. A quick tally of the 14 groundhogs represented found that the majority are predicting early spring! Take that Phil! (9 to be exact. Which is right at the 2/3 majority line.) So I'm planning on that early spring now.

Bring it on.

Me? A Fashion Expert?

2010-01-29T13:09:00.004-07:00

Well, probably not. I don't want to be. I don't care enough. I do however, hate that boys wear skinny jeans. Hello? Can we say gay? I'll let you read the post.

Turns out, that is the single most influential post I've written. Seriously. At least that's what Google Analytics tells me. 37 people have come to my site from searching about boys and skinny jeans. This is out of 51 visits from google searches. That makes it 74% of the people that use google to access my site come for that blog. Insane.

2 people that searched wikipedia found me. I tried to duplicate this, and I didn't show up on the first page. So I don't know how that happened.

My daily visits are up. I'm hoping this is because I'm blogging more. I still think my "unique visitor" count is too high, I'm hoping that averages itself out over time. Though if it doesn't, oh well. Right?

On this note: 188 visitors only came once. (Sad. Come back! Also: 66% of my visitors haven't come back. *tear*) 12 people have returned 9-14 times since I started this game. And only 1 person has come back 15-25 times.

I need more repeat visitors. Get to work people!

(I promise not to blog about my stats regularly. I hate blogs like that. I just find it really amusing that people find me for my rant about boys and skinny jeans, don't you?)

My Blogging Life is Complete

2010-01-29T10:36:00.001-07:00

The Boob Nazi commented on my blog. :)

Wikipedia is Amazing.

2010-01-28T11:41:00.003-07:00

I just happened to sign on to facebook while at work. My sister-in-law had posted that J.D. Salinger had passed on. To be honest: all I knew about him was that he'd written Catcher in the Rye. So I went to wikipedia for a little more information on a man I knew so little about.

His death had already been recorded.

My news feeds are not that fast. Crazy people. :)

What I didn't realize, was that he was still alive. So when I first read the announcement, I thought "Really? I thought he was already dead." Oh, uneducated me. You really can't fault me though, (I suppose you could...) most American authors that are forced upon you in high school are dead. And we didn't spend much time on their lives anyhow. Other things I learned about him: he was reclusive. This makes me love him all the more. I hate authors that live for the spotlight. I enjoy when they go into hiding because "they never thought anyone would read their drivel." Or something along those lines. Makes me comforted to know that there are still people that just write what they want to and have no expectations of fame. They just want to write what they want to write....audience be damned!

So, rest in peace, dear friend. Your book touched my life.

Modesty Be Damned?

2010-01-26T12:49:00.003-07:00

Recently, my friend sent me a link on our forum about modesty and girls. A reader had sent in a question to the 100 Hour Board talking about his issues with woman's fashion. (side note: that link does not take you to the question I'm discussing...just to the page in general.) In a nutshell, he thinks that even if a girl isn't showing cleavage, she's being immodest if too much of her "upper chest" area is exposed. He also claims that this leads to impure thoughts in men. Clearly, the girl's fault.

Hold up. I get sick of men writing in to BYU's paper or anywhere claiming that the way women dress is to blame for impure thoughts in the menfolk. I thought we were all free agents? In a sense, mind you. When did I (or any girl) become responsible for your shortcomings?

Don't we believe that "...men are free according to the flesh...they are free to choose liberty and eternal life...or to choose captivity and death..." (2 Nephi 2:27). And further we believe that "men will be punished for their own sins..." (Second Article of Faith). Now, I know that I cut that last one without finishing its thought. (Which is "...and not for Adam's transgressions.") But, I maintain that if we are not held responsible for his sins, we won't be held responsible for anyone's sins, but our own.

Choosing to dress immodestly does not make the girl responsible for the impure thoughts of the men around her. I'm sorry, I will never believe that it does. She has no real control over what a man thinks, only he does. She might act as a catalyst for the initial "hey......" moment, but he is ultimately in control of his thoughts and can put a stop to them. It might not be easy, but he can....and should.

This is not to say that girls should dress however they want. Modesty is going to be the better option. (Even the best option.) Like I mentioned, dressing immodestly will trigger a natural man reaction. Girls do need to be aware of that, but it's (again!) not their responsibility if the guy can't control his thoughts.

Lastly, what of the men? Why don't they have lengthy discussions of modesty thrust down their throats? You might say, "cuz girls aren't visually stimulated like men are" but I would disagree. We might be less so, but we have eyes, and they do see. I admit, that when a man in a nicely cut pair of pants walks by, I take notice. I may even rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. Is this his fault for putting on "suggestive" pants? No. I have the ability to stop, and I do stop it before it moves from a playful rating game to something more inappropriate.

Bottom line boys: man up. You have control over yourself, and nothing a girl does will prevent you from having impure thoughts if you're not in control.

I Might Need to Seek Help.

2010-01-25T13:20:00.004-07:00

Billie Joe Armstrong is by far the sexiest man alive. I know I've mentioned this before, but I felt it needed repeating. To quote a blog I found whilst searching for an appropriate picture of him to put up,

"Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day is the Sexiest Man Alive. With his floppy hair, eyeliner, small stature, and the best known punk growl and snarl in the business he is walking sex......and the fact that he's married to his lifelong love, has 2 children he takes on tours, and also finds time to be a political activist, supporting both the NRDC and Obama.....Billie lives up to the most commonly found slogans: Billie Joe is God and Billie Joe turns straight men gay."

Or turn a girl into a fan of skinny jeans on men. One or the other. I might point out here, that his wife is pretty smokin'. Not surprising really, just thought I'd put that out there.

What makes this obsession even more disturbing: today at Maverick I nearly swooned over a guy that looked like Billie Joe. He had 1" gauges in each ear, and that was not enough to deter me. Not that I asked for the guy's number, or left him mine. But I was schoolgirl-awkward for the entire interaction. Pa-thetic.

I suppose I should get used to it. I'm sure there will be plenty more awkward moments with men that remind me of Billie Joe.

Seriously? He's a rock god.

Told you she was smokin', I don't lie. Anyway. I'm done.

A Little More Michel For Everyone

2010-01-25T13:14:00.001-07:00

I don't eat bagels. Bagels are like glue in your intestines and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain there until you die.

I love me some Michel.

Looooooook at it.......

2010-01-25T13:08:00.002-07:00

Don't stop looking just to read what I'm writing. I didn't tell you that you could stop looking.

Well, It's my 90th post, 10 away from the great 100th! And do I have something great planned for you! You're welcome.

Thoughts for the Day

2010-01-22T10:24:00.001-07:00

Brought to you by Michel of Gilmore Girl Fame:

"Look, I've had my peace with the fact that everyone who calls here is a notch above brain dead, and that the pennies I am thrown each week are in exchange for me dealing with these people in a nonviolent manner. And usually that is fine, but today, sorry lady, I have ennui."

"People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them."

Have a great weekend! Next post will be about DUCKS!!

A Haiku

2010-01-05T10:23:00.001-07:00

CaraCara Orange
Sweet nectar of gods above
Winter happiness.

Flying High

2010-01-04T11:14:00.002-07:00

I love sitting next to the window on flights. You miss so much when you sit on an aisle, imo. During my flight to visit my family, I took an aisle seat due to ease of accessibility; it was a boring flight. Saturday, I flew home from vacation and sat next to the window.

As I watched my beloved home town go from life-size to ant-size, I marvelled at how it looks like my dad's train set. If, of course, you were to view it only from above. I looked down on cars driving to wherever, and thought "they don't know anyone is watching them...creepy." I continued to watch as the mountains rolled out beneath me, swathed in white. It was beautiful...white snow blanketed the whole landscape below. I was finally able to locate the road upon which I tend to drive, and that made me happy. I, now, want to find all those non-driven (by me) roads and see where they take me. My eyes would follow them until they disappeared. They were easier to spot as they cut their way through all the white, so it was easy to dream about following them.

I also looked down upon clouds. Does any one else wish they could jump into the clouds? I know they won't support me, I know they lack any semblance of being solid...but I long to run around in them/on them and just be in them. They look so soft and inviting!

Anyway, random yellow musings from my flight home.

Post-Exposure Prophylactics

2009-12-22T13:38:00.006-07:00

I work for a company that develops certification courses. I'm currently working on blood borne pathogens. With possible HIV exposure comes post-exposure prophylactics. Basically, a cocktail of drugs to help prevent you from contracting the virus. They're about 80% effective according to my research. Even still, don't be stupid. Use protection. Or as my grandmother (may she rest in peace, and not come smite me for putting this on the internet) would call them "prophylactics." Not condoms, or diaphragm. But prophylactics.

In fact, she used to ride the bus to work, back in the day. And once she went to open her purse for change only to find that her darling husband (my grandfather...may he rest in peace and not smite me for putting this in the blogosphere) had filled her purse with....*whispers*.....prophylactics. Blown up....*whispers*....prophylactics. They proceeded to spill out of her purse, her face turning red in direct proportion to the amount of .... whispers*....prophylactics...that came out of the purse.

You see, she would tell this story to us, but she'd never be able to say condoms. Nor would she be able to say prophylactics with a normal timbre. She was not raised to. Ladies didn't talk about such things. Well Grandma, now the whole world will know your secret.

I love you!

P.S. I had to go in and fix this 3 times. I should learn to edit before posting. *sighs*