Dream Deferred

First, I have to start with a poem that has spoken to me a great deal over the last few years:

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

My dream exploded yesterday. The chances of me teaching at BYU ever are pretty slim.

The most recent reason (I had applied for an adjunct position) is that I don't pass an ecclesiastic endorsement. I do, actually. But no one knows where the hell my records are, so I fail without any recourse. Moving cross country and getting married caused my records to sort of disappear. So as far as BYU is concerned I'm inactive. Never mind that I have a temple recommend that was issued less than 2 months ago.

As many of my reader's know, I do support the Ordain Women movement. There are gross inequalities in the Church that I don't believe Christ or our Heavenly Parents are actually okay with. I think we will see changes in the structure at some point.

Having said that, I have not been an active part of the movement. I have stayed out and silent about it. Why? I knew BYU wouldn't like it. So staying underground was a sacrifice I was willing to make. My most scandalous deed was to have the audacity to be on the Reader's Committee for a female-led, faith promoting magazine. Exponent II. Though they print and deal with some of the issues of the Church, they are ultimately about creating a space for ALL women of ALL faith levels. Not in anyway antagonistic to the Church. I know. I can tell you from experience that they would never publish something that was Church-negative.

But this fact will always be a problem for one small little man on the BYU selection committee. See, he was in the English Department at BYU when women were getting ex'ed for being feminists. This led to him being 'picked on'. I doubt he really was, I think he just feels he was. So he will always vote against me. Even though he KNOWS me; he convinced me to join the department when I was looking for a new program. He KNOWS me. He knows that I am not someone who would ever be what he fears. And yet he did fear me.

I'm done. No more silence for the sake of some job that I may or may not ever get.

I'm going to be my authentic self and live an authentic life. Starting today. Starting now.

I'm an OW supporter. I believe that the Bible (OT and NT) is replete with examples of female priestesses and prophetesses. They may have been buried over the centuries, but they're there. Our Heavenly Parents are no respecter of persons: all are alike unto Them. This is my testimony; this is my faith. Our Heavenly Parents love me, and want me to be happy living the life that They have led me to.

I will NOT be silenced.

Today someone I hold dearly in my heart was told that she was not wanted by the Church that she loves.

The Church that I loved.

My love for the Church has slipped. I don't love it. I don't know how to love it. Not when three men can sit alone, behind closed doors, and tell a woman that she is not welcome nor wanted. A woman they did not let defend herself in person. Her only means of defense was a letter. A letter she wrote beautifully.

Along with her countless women heard their decision: You are not wanted. You are not welcome.

Unless....

We can find open, welcoming arms in this Church of ours, if we shut up, sit up, and do as we're told.

I will not.

I chose to be a member of this church.

I chose to earn my YW medallions.

I chose to attend the Church's school.

I chose to enter the Temple.

And I choose to stay.

No one can tell me that I am not welcome. No one can tell me that my voice doesn't matter. No one can judge me.

Christ would not cut us out. Christ would welcome us to the table, He would talk with us. He would find a way to make room for us in His Church.

Since the Church won't make room for us, we are making room for ourselves.

We will put on our pants (or dresses), and we will show up. We will speak up. And we will find our room at the table.

Because we are valued. We are welcome.

We are Daughters of our Heavenly Parents, who love us. And we love them. I love the Gospel of Christ, but the Church has broken my heart.

But they will not break my Spirit. I will not let them have the satisfaction.