When it rains, it pours. And if it's not pouring you're in a drought. I usually apply this statement to an over abundance of boys pursuing an individual girl. However, this blog will deal with the eternal question that plagues everyone at time of breakup and that is the "can exes be friends questions." First, though I want to point out that, there are no definites in the world of relationships, just speculation. Boys will be boys, and there's nothing we can do about it.
Let's start with me and my most recent ex. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing that I've ever experienced in the world of dating. It's not easy knowing that a person you're in love with, is no longer a part of your life in the way you'd planned. We had several rocky months. We fought about the stupidest things, and when we weren't fighting, we weren't exactly friends either...if you know what I mean, and I think you do. The point is, that we still had intense feelings for each other with no outlet to express them. So we fought and stayed in a limbo between together and not together for several months. Then I left for school. Now, we are friends. I still have feelings for him, as my sister pointed out the other day: "you never forget your first love. They're always part of you." I'll admit, our relationship is NOT an easy one. We have had a hard time remembering that we are "just friends" and not together. And we are still figuring out how to be "just friends," but we're getting there and he is a friend.
Through this whole time, I've had many people tell me that this was an impossibility, and I believed them...at times, and did try to cut myself off completely from him. But you can't force what you don't feel. I had to let it just happen naturally; I think that's where the naysayers get their "it'll never work" mentality from. They try to force it to work, and so it fails. When left to it's own devices friendships work themselves out.
I'm not an isolated case. I guarantee that. I was going to talk about my friend Megan. (Yes, you, Robin.) But her "friendship after break up" is turning back into a "we're together, so back off boys" status. These two were friends though. He's just being stupid, and I'd like to tell him that....but we're NOT in junior high. Let him suffer through not having the most AMAZING girl on this earth. He'll come around (and he is...slowly...stupid boys!) They still help to prove my point, because they are still friends, and they keep the friend's boundary. They'll get it figured out. I have faith in them.
05 October 2007
Okay, so it's Friday night, and I'm sitting at home, alone. LAME! I know. But this is how things work when you're 25 years old and getting a Master's in Provo, UT. I'm a social pariah. 25 and unmarried isn't nearly so bad if you're male, but you have to be male. Fortunately, I'm not male. I'm a girl. Which makes this situation 100x worse. *sighs* If I was a guy I'd have more control over this "sitting at home being lame" thing. I know what you're thinking, "it's the 21st century! Go ask a guy out yourself!" But I can't. As independent as my daddy raised me to be, I am a traditionalist at heart. The guy asks the girl out. Until of course they have established themselves as a couple then it's totally kosher for the girl to ask the guy to do things.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not lamenting the lack of a guy in my life, honestly. I'm more trying to point out the idiocracy of the BYU sub-culture. In Boise, I never would have felt lame for being at home, never would have felt out of place for being a single 25 year old female. But in land of a million marriages, it's hard to not feel like an outcast when you yourself are among the unwed. I'm totally down with the single life. I like only having to look out for moi-même. A Master's degree is time consuming. I have so much reading to do for research and classes...it's out of control!! But I have wandered off the beaten path.
BYU sub-culture. The rules of these people go something like this:
- Marriage is your primary goal, school secondary.
- Girls should be married no later than 21.
- As this is the age most boys are coming back from missions...no boy will want an older girl, right?!
- Boys should be married no later than 25.
- Seriously, if you're not married by then, you're wasting time. The 25 age already gives them 2 years of slacking...should be married by 23...sheesh...get it together!
- Hair needs to be properly teased into place...seen the movie Hairspray? Not such an unrealistic portrayal...
- Make-up? Should look like a professional did it. No facial flaws allowed.
- Can we say Ambercrombie and Fitch? Oh and don't get me started on the Banana Bandwagon...
(The only time it's acceptable to not be perfectly put together is if you're going for the "surfer"/"skater" looks...but these can only be done with the most expensive line of such clothing...no cheapies here either)
- Apparently, you'll know after just 3 months of having known the person (because heaven forbid! you be friends first) whether you want to marry them or not.
- Word of caution: DTR does not equal "define the relationship" it does, however, equal "destroy the relationship." There are very few exceptions to this rule.
- Anything longer and you're being ridiculous. I mean, cheap, Mormon wedding dresses are so easy to go buy off the rack. But make sure you don't have sensitive skin, the cheap fabric WILL make you itch... (ew, ew, ew! I'll NEVER buy a Mormon wedding dress...only Teri Alton originals for me!)