19 October 2007

JFF = Just Friends Forever

When it rains, it pours. And if it's not pouring you're in a drought. I usually apply this statement to an over abundance of boys pursuing an individual girl. However, this blog will deal with the eternal question that plagues everyone at time of breakup and that is the "can exes be friends questions." First, though I want to point out that, there are no definites in the world of relationships, just speculation. Boys will be boys, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Let's start with me and my most recent ex. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing that I've ever experienced in the world of dating. It's not easy knowing that a person you're in love with, is no longer a part of your life in the way you'd planned. We had several rocky months. We fought about the stupidest things, and when we weren't fighting, we weren't exactly friends either...if you know what I mean, and I think you do. The point is, that we still had intense feelings for each other with no outlet to express them. So we fought and stayed in a limbo between together and not together for several months. Then I left for school. Now, we are friends. I still have feelings for him, as my sister pointed out the other day: "you never forget your first love. They're always part of you." I'll admit, our relationship is NOT an easy one. We have had a hard time remembering that we are "just friends" and not together. And we are still figuring out how to be "just friends," but we're getting there and he is a friend.

Through this whole time, I've had many people tell me that this was an impossibility, and I believed them...at times, and did try to cut myself off completely from him. But you can't force what you don't feel. I had to let it just happen naturally; I think that's where the naysayers get their "it'll never work" mentality from. They try to force it to work, and so it fails. When left to it's own devices friendships work themselves out.

I'm not an isolated case. I guarantee that. I was going to talk about my friend Megan. (Yes, you, Robin.) But her "friendship after break up" is turning back into a "we're together, so back off boys" status. These two were friends though. He's just being stupid, and I'd like to tell him that....but we're NOT in junior high. Let him suffer through not having the most AMAZING girl on this earth. He'll come around (and he is...slowly...stupid boys!) They still help to prove my point, because they are still friends, and they keep the friend's boundary. They'll get it figured out. I have faith in them.


Petra said...

Um, so I broke up with my first love TWO WHOLE YEARS ago and have dated TWO WHOLE GUYS in between (I'll be generous and give them whole-personhood, for the sake of rhetoric) and it still hurts a little bit to hear that said first love (who you know, and you can feel free to laugh your head off) is dating someone else.

But I think "just friends" is possible, if you want it, just really difficult. (You-know-who and I had to take some time entirely apart, without even email communication, before we could ease back into being just friends.) (Yes, I dated Voldemort. What of it?) But I have faith in you that you can do it if you want!

(Oh, and also, I sympathize greatly.)

Saule Cogneur said...

I agree with petra (I'm another BBer by the way)

I've found JFF works only after you've had a quality six months apart. It can still hurt, but it's doable. Consequently, I employ the "just friends at two arms length rule" with people I think merit continued contact.

In the end, I think advice gets you no where. We trust no one but ourselves when it comes to relationships, and I guess that's okay. Some lessons can only be learned the hard way.

NAlton said...

Whole heartedly agree. It took me about 3 months of finally putting distance between him and I to get to the "I'm his friend" stage. I think part of me purposely didn't see him the last time I was home, to give myself just that much more time. We have plans to hang out when I come home for Thanksgiving, but my roommate is going home with me, so I'll ease my way back into seeing him. :) I have to say though, I really do believe that you can be just friends post break up. Everyone just has to find their own way to it.

Thirdmango said...

With my two it hasn't yet worked for me. One we read each others blogs but that's about it. Nothing more then that. I'd like to think it's possible but haven't been able to see it work yet.

Confuzzled said...

Hear, hear to what Petra and SC say. It's hard, but you can do it--after some time apart. My last ex tried to act like my best friend starting the next week after we broke it off. Let me tell you how well THAT worked (ha!)

Of course, I also have the magical magnetic power of being the pre-future eternal companion girlfriend. They date me and then they marry the next one.

Oddly enough, it's actually easier (for me, anyway) once they get married. They either fall out of my life or I like their wives and so I keep in touch . . .