I don't have problems, I have issues. Problems can be fixed, issues you just deal with.
I'm not capable of being fixed. I will always
- be Obsessive Compulsive
- be a Perfectionist
- have Control Issues
- have Social Anxiety
There is no pill, no solution to these issues. They are permanent. However, they are manageable. With time, I will learn to live with them. They will not control me, nor will they define me. Some day, I may find I need to have medication to control them; again, this is not a solution. It is simply a way to help me learn to handle them.
Telling me that if I just do x, that I will feel all better does not help me. I have many friends who simply can't grasp that their suggestions on how I can fix my problem, hurt. Because they want to fix me, and I've tried to explain that it doesn't work that way.
One friend has told me that if I just go to more social activities, I'll be able to get over my social anxiety. Or that if I just tried harder to make more friends, Church wouldn't be so hard for me.
I'm sorry. I've tried. I've gone to the social activities. I've tried to talk to more people at Church. I've tried. I still cry most Sundays because I feel so out of place and on display. I had to give up a calling (playing the organ) because the Sundays I was up to play, I would shake and want to run and hide. Sitting on the stand, I *knew* that everyone was watching me. Not the speakers, me. I felt like their eyes were on me, seeing all my flaws, seeing everything that was wrong with me. Each mistake I made on the organ convinced me that they would see me for what I was, a failure. An impostor. Someone that shouldn't be there.
I couldn't handle it anymore, so I gave up the calling.
Some days, I can fake it. I can pretend that I'm not shaking on the inside. I can pretend that I'm normal. But pretending that I'm okay takes so much effort, that I'm left exhausted. One day, I hope to have all my issues managed. Until that day, take what you get. I'm trying. I don't want to feel so broken.
4 comments:
Thank you for posting this. You are more awesome than you may realize. Reality is not very pretty and, more often than not, overwhelming. As far as I'm concerned, you are handling it fantastically. At the end of the day, if you are still breathing, you've made it.
I love you just the way you are; if you changed too much you wouldn't be the person I have loved for 29 years plus. I am so glad you put things out there I wish I had the strength you do to do the same. As for me I do have to live with medication to make it through the days; I always think somedays I won't need the meds but until that happens or doesn't happen I am who I am.
Love you.
1
Sorry you're going through stuff. If it helps you not feel alone, I've been treated for Generalized Anxiety Disorder for a few years now. If you ever want to chat about things, let me know. Sometimes it just helps to vent to someone who knows the feeling.
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