Why? Because I Can.

I want to make one of these.

Edible Pumpkin Pinhole Camera- the making of from BARKS on Vimeo.

FNAM - Update

Some of you know what FNAM is, some of you don't. To put it simply: it was a plan created by two ex-roommates to get me married. They had no hope for themselves, so I became the project. What did they do to help FNAM? Not much that I can tell. They just ask me how "FNAM" is going on occasion. I tell them "I'm still not dating, does that answer the question?" Usually, they laugh.

You see, none of us is particularly good at the dating boys thing. (Or the dating girls thing for that matter....) We don't play the game that most girls play, where you pretend to be more demure and sweet and innocent and unopinionated and simple and homemakingish and etc..... (I clearly don't have an opinion about these girls....) We say what we mean and we mean what we say.

Last night, I was talking to a friend (guy--he's married) about it. I've been toying with the idea of taking the reins and asking a boy out. (This is not me. Though I don't subscribe to normal gender roles, I still think the men should do the asking. Weird, I know...but I think it's what a gentleman should do.) I asked him how I could go about this. His advice? Show genuine interest in the guy and try to show that I'm not intimidating. He believes that guys may be scared of me, and if I show that the guy has no reason to be scared of me, he'd ask me out. To do this he suggested, I isolate the boy and me from the group (if we're in a group setting.) and tell him I noticed that he does x, y, z and I'm curious about the motivations behind x, y, z. Then be un-intimidating and I might get asked out instead of having to do the asking.

I'm still for doing the asking. But I think this advice is valid. He didn't tell me to turn into a simpleton or to dumb-myself-down for the guy. He just suggested I show the boy (whomever he may be) that I'm interested and not really all that intimidating. Because I'm not. I'm not as mean as I appear or as out spoken as I appear. Some of it is a protective measure, and some of it is learned for other reasons.

Long story short. I may be trying this theory out soon. :)

Four Years Ago (Yesterday)

Dear Grandma-

Just thought I'd fill you in on what's been happening over the last four years. Mostly life has plodded along as if nothing changed, but everything changes. There's an old saying "the more things change, the more they stay the same." Am I right??

I've started graduate school. I'm almost completed. I need to write my thesis, but there is so much more I want to do than sit at a desk and write it. However, I need to get it done so that I can move on to the rest of my life.

I have a job now. It's actually a good job. The best part is that it uses my degree. I don't think life could have worked itself out any better for me.

Of course, I'm still single. But then you probably knew that I would be. You were always so much more aware of us than we gave you credit. (PS, be nice to my kids...don't teach them too many of my old tricks, they don't need the help!! I've met Wesley and Maxwell...they have your handiwork written all over them.) I'm happy with my life, I don't regret the path I've chosen. I wouldn't trade my time away at school and this job for any of the "typical Mormon girl" life choices.I am a published researcher, you know. I was able to present in Hawaii at a conference there. Twist my arm. :)

I never would have done half of this without your influence in my life. Between you and the other Grandma, I couldn't have asked for better examples. You two taught me what it meant to be a woman. You are both feminist and probably didn't realize it. But you knew what you wanted from life, and you got it. All of it.

Sometimes when I'm driving up Emerald (or Five Mile, or any of the streets near your home) I forget and put my blinker on like I'm going to see you. I'll even move into the turn lane before I remember I can't stop by and see you.

They say time heals all wounds, but time will never heal the loss I feel. Most days are great, I hardly miss you. But then something happens, and I'm reminded of you and the pain is as intense as it was four years ago. I think what really happens is that time puts a scab on the wound. So that it doesn't hurt constantly. Until you catch that scab on something and it rips up a bit, the pain comes back and is intense for a short time.

I miss you.

Love,

Xan