23 February 2009

A Heavy Box: We Are All Like Sisyphus

For those who don't know: Sisyphus is punished to carry a heavy stone up a mountain to have it fall back down the mountain. He has to repeat this indefinitely. Sounds bad, right? But we all are Sisyphus...or we all have our own metaphorical rocks.

In my own life, my rock is anorexia. I finally get up the mountain and think that I've conquered the rock, just to watch it plummet back down the mountain. And, no, I'm not just talking about the eating thing. That is mostly under control. I'm talking about everything else that goes along with it, most people focus so much on the food part, that they forget about all the other things.

I've been doing research into it, there are a lot of things about my personality that I don't like and thought it was time to figure it all out. I bought a book recently, Gaining*, and the author has me pinned. She knows my darkest secrets. How? Because anorexics all have similar tendencies. I fluctuate between wanting to throw the book across the room, and devouring it. It helps me see that each time the rock falls down the mountain, I can push it back up. It may never stay, but it's doable. My rock will not get the best of me. Because it will never fall for the same reasons again.

For now, I don't lay awake at night obsessing about the food I did (or did not) eat that day. (Well, sometimes, but never in the same way as I did during my darkest days, more in the "I can't believe I ate the whole thing" way.) Now, it's "I can't believe I didn't clean my room. There are clothes on the floor, I hate this!!" And I do not let myself get out of bed to clean. I'm not giving into this. I don't know if this is the best method, but for now it'll work.

*I don't know why this book is discounted at B&N right now, it's amazing, but I'd recommend it to anyone.

This post is part of the Blue-Beta Blog Coordination, a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Confuzzled of I Keep Wondering, Gromit of The Dancing Newt, Redoubt of Redoubt Redux, Third Mango of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, and Yarjka of Sour Mayonnaise. This week's theme: 'A Heavy Box'.


Anonymous said...

Just me, but I think most people who legitimately have a disease like aneorexia don't flaunt it on their blog...

Just me though.

Sara said...

Wow. Really? Haven't you ever seen the blogs of people who have cancer or some other "legitimate" disease? They often post about their struggles and what they are dealing with. Why? So that others can support them, with love and comments. I even have a friend who has a blog dedicated to her little daughter who drowned. The blog is her way of working through the grief.

Not everyone chooses to deal with diseases in a public forum, but to those who do, I say "Way to go!" If only we all were willing to help and support each other publicly and privately instead of leaving comments to hurt people but not even having to guts to sign it with your own name.

And not that it matters, but Nalton was my roommate, and I know what she struggles with. Who are you to judge a situation that you obviously know nothing about?

Just my two cents.

Anonymous said...

Sad then that no one commented until I did.

Sara said...

Why do you even bother reading her blog if you can't support her?

I, like others of Nalton's close friends and family, am part of her other blog. I do comment over there, fairly regularly.

Ask her who she feels more support from - you, or me?

Oh wait, you're still hiding behind your anonymous mask.

Andee said...

Anonymous: You're right. It IS sad that it took too whole months for someone to come up with something stupid and ignorant to say. We should all try to say more retarded things.